Oh my shit, it’s April! And it’s brought along not only Fools’ Days, sweet spring showers and the prospect of some chinless wonder marrying a Sloane, but also a batch of fresh and steaming new films – some promising, others less so. Stick around as we sift through this month’s cinematic offerings week by week and separate the fresh fish (FRESH FISH, Glen Coco!) from the distinctly murky tuna salad…

YES! YES! YES!

A Turtle’s Tale, the biography of a dismally boring chelonian who spends fifty years biffing around in the sea and then turns into John Hurt, has been billed as an adventure/thrillride/treat etc “for all the family”. Should you wish to protest this blatant lie, the Trading Standards Institute can be found here; nobody over the age of five will find any joy in Sammy’s aimless paddling, trite relationships and pious eco-preaching.

But… but…

D’you know what, Sammy? Real turtles – the sort that are 3D even if you’re not wearing glasses – actually don’t have quite as jammy a life as you. We explore some of the dodgier moments in your average non-voiced-by-Dominic-Cooper-and-John-Hurt chelonian’s life to find out what probably won’t pop up in A Turtle’s Tale.

Paul WS Anderson, are you reading this? We know where you live, and we’re going to force-feed you literature until you cry like a mewling baby girl.

Things I Learned From Watching Life, Above All: if you don’t a) fall down a hole and die, b) nearly get stoned to death by your village or c) get forced into prostitution and then have your face cut up by a rapist, you will probably die of AIDS. OR all of the above will happen to everyone dear to you and you’ll be left alone in the world. Yay!

We’re a bit worried. Tradition tells us that today is Monday and it’s therefore time for a mash-up, but we’re concerned that days which Rebecca Black does not explicitly mention in her postmodern epic Friday may no longer exist. We, too, didn’t want this weekend to end IN CASE IT PROMPTED AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS! Fun. Fun. Fun.

You had your chance, Kate Bosworth.

He’s going to look really, really stupid with a mullet.