Hurrah!

There hasn’t been a really, really good film about Jesus for ages, has there? Actually, there hasn’t ever been one – they’re either unpleasantly graphic (The Passion of the Christ) or cringeworthily obsequious (everything else). We can’t be doing with this dearth of watchable Jesus biopics, so we’ve suggested a few leading men (and ladies) who might be up to the job…

Adam Sandler’s been nominated for Grown Ups! No, of course not really.

It’s a Monday, and you know perfectly well what that means – it’s time for us to improve one of your favourite film posters by getting our wizardry on and arbitrarily replacing a star with… well, someone else. Someone, ideally, whose name can be easily fashioned into a pun.

BUT HE’S DEAD! HE DIED AT THE END! THAT WAS THE WHOLE BLOODY POINT!

Reader! Would you like to be able to write convincing clichés about films which are genuinely able to inspire laughter and tears in successive heartbeats? If you would, please keep your sordid phrases well away from Barney’s Version, a work of art which will stay with you long after the lights go up. An uncommonly captivating tale with memorable performances all round, it is superb.

Why? It doesn’t make sense! DO YOU HEAR ME, WORMS?

Remember when a visit to the pictures meant being treated to an eclectic 2D cabaret of newsreels and shorts before the feature even began? Nah, neither do we. But that doesn’t mean we don’t yearn for those halcyon days of cinematic variety, which is why we’re bringing you a new feature – one of our favourite short films, every single week. Simple really.

Doe-eyed actress to follow in Michelle Pfeiffer’s steps, but NOT Halle Berry’s. We don’t talk about that bloody film.

Probably.