George A. Romero, Godfather of living dead men and big, bad rep behind Night, Day and Dawn of zombie cinema is probably Deadtime Stories‘ sole draw-card, and no doubt the only thing to compel any compos mentis horror fan to suffer through its bore/gorefest ridiculousness.

Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine are the two most adorable hillbillies ever to buy a dilapidated summer home and then be attacked by a group of perky college kids who believe them to be psycho killers. Funny, touching, gruesome, quirky: if you’ve ever loved us, WATCH THIS MOVIE AND SPREAD THE LOVE.

The wait is over. The moment has finally come. A ski film starring Michael Madsen, Kellan Lutz AND Luke Goss. Well, actually the moment came three years ago, but whatever. The real question is, what is Luke Goss of Eighties band Bros fame doing in this film? And why do people have names like ‘Kellan Lutz’?

Strange, romantic, thoughtful, touching and creepy all at once, this indie oddity from first-time filmmaker Kenton Bartlett was made on a shoestring budget but – one dodgy blonde wig aside – it doesn’t show.

Mark Doherty and Dylan Moran teaming up to try and deal with a house determined to frame them for murder? Yes, please! A farce so dark it’s like a black hole put on some sunglasses because it was hungover. Hungover on Guinness.

While this isn’t the first adaptation of Hergé’s comic book creation to grace the big screen, it is the first time that Tintin has appeared since 1972 and the first time he ‘s been presented to such a general audience. With Steven Spielberg on top form, and a story which picks liberally from three of the series’ most popular books, the result is quite simply one of the best blistering blue blockbusters of the year.

Paul WS Anderson has committed the greatest act of cultural rape since Stephenie Meyer thought “Whitby and dogs are all very well, but none of it’s really sparkly enough…”. The Three Musketeers is plagiarised from so many disparate sources that I can scarcely keep up with them – unfortunately, however, Alexandre Dumas’ classic romance isn’t among them. This film is unforgivable.

Don’t let the name fool you; Dirty Pictures isn’t a charming piece of erotica. Sure, it MENTIONS sex, but… never mind. Instead, the film actually offers an amusing look at the life of “the godfather of ecstasy”, Alexander Shulgin.

If, like me, you’ve never really got into Westerns, perhaps what you need to win you round is an Eastern. Jiang Wen’s frenetic, action-packed romp through cinematic and cultural cliché takes no prisoners, dispensing bullets and dark humour in every direction. It’s just… stupid, quite a lot of the time. Really quite stupid.

Two American girls become separated on a biking trip through the remote backroads of rural Argentina. Cue cautionary tale slathered with a healthy ol’ dose of girl-on-girl gore? Not quite. Beyond an opening scene vaguely suggestive of electrocution, and a (more tortuous) rendition of the Divinyls’ ‘I Touch Myself’ this is, by no means, the material from which to get one’s bloodlusty jollies.