Back to deliver yet more gratuitous violence, outrageous plot twists and dreadful puns, Sylvester Stallone and his team have got another job, and this time they’re joined by Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Subtle nuances and character development there is not, but The Expendables 2 knows exactly what it is and it delivers. Sure, the lines are literally made of cheese, but what’s not to love about a bunch of good old fashioned action heroes doing what they do best?

Matt Smith (yes, Doctor Who) and Eva Green (yes, Eva Green) made this in 2010. Originally called Womb, it had to be rebranded as Clone for the UK DVD release. The story of a woman who clones and gives birth to her dead boyfriend, you’d think this would be amazing sci-fi, or at least amazingly bad, but in fact it’s just a beautifully shot, but painfully dull story, lacking the gross factor, the sci-fi factor or even the moral debate about the concept of cloning factor. Matt Smith is great though.

Rarely has a film with so much hype failed so horribly to deliver. Director Tony Gilroy seems to think he could get away with remaking the first Bourne, except without the amnesia. Or the excitement, characters, wit, joy, love interest, narrative, decent plot or action sequences. The fourth film, with its ‘wider conspiracy’ and all those ‘rewards for paying attention’ we were promised, is entirely uninspiring and utterly soulless.

Ball-achingly slow, utterly pointless and with a completely inexplicable ending, The Paranormal Incident is a glossy, shining example of exactly what not to do with $3million and a camera. You could have made some really nice, 1080p HD hardcore porn with that sort of budget; it probably would have been better-scripted, better-shot and better-acted than this steaming pile of puerile garbage.

This gun-toting prohibition shoot-em-up has come under fire for lacking in substance. Substance?! What do you want here, it’s a gangster epic! It doesn’t need to have substance, it’s got guns! Guns! Knuckle-Dusters! Blood! Testicles in a jam jar! Sexy women! Waistcoats! Guns! Sure, it doesn’t break any boundaries, but it breaks plenty of bones. It’s got guns! Pass me tha’ there moonshine y’all.

A Tarantino-style Spanish romp which veers wildly between harrowing violence and hilarious gutter-humour, Neon Flesh is by no means a comfortable viewing experience. With a shining cast and a cracking soundtrack, this totally classless 100-minute bloodbath, against the odds, manages to strike just the right note; Neon Flesh is an unusual portrayal of poverty, parenthood and perversion that affects you far more by the end than you thought it would in the beginning.

Alternate history epic? Creature feature? Gothic horror? Maverick director Timur Bekmambetov’s latest film struggles with as much of an identity crisis as its politician/lawyer/Slayer hero, flitting from dry-as-dust declamation to 3D combat in the blink of a glowing red eye. Mind you, with a title like that…

Rupert Sanders gives us an exceedingly grim Grimm universe in this LOTR-inspired fairytale; his sweeping landscapes and sumptuous visuals almost making up for the fact that his source material never comes close to the richness of Tolkien. The tale may be problematic and the characters laughably thin, but there’s no denying that this directorial debut almost wins you over with blazing ambition alone.

Twenty-four years in the making, George Lucas’ passion project has finally soared onto our screens to expose the untold story of the Tuskegee Airmen. Except it doesn’t really do that at all. The only history lesson on offer here is a little recap of ‘The Great Beard in the post-Episode VI era’, which is justly left out of textbooks because it’s really rather sad. Face it, George, a P-51 Mustang is just not an X-Wing.

Muscular, mean, nightmarish and brutal, The Raid delivers an unyielding onslaught of exquisitely choreographed violence, reminding us all that the thick, brawny shoot-em ups we’re used to associating with the action genre wouldn’t last a minute up against Indonesia’s glistening finest. With shades of Oldboy, Ong Bak, Reservoir Dogs and more dripping from every blood-drenched sinew, this is endurance-entertainment that isn’t afraid to push its actors and audience until its final, skull-cracking moments. Best of luck.