As confused a cinematic masala as you’re likely to see this year, Desi Boyz plagiarises gleefully from every comedy, drama and romance going and fuses its finds together with a shuddering dose of song, dance and waxed torsos. It’s nonsense, obviously, but it’s enormously entertaining nonsense.

This film from Billy Clift exploring the issue of gay marriage loosely resembles The 40 Year Old Virgin. But where the latter succeeded in being funny, romantic AND true to life, I Want to Get Married is so confused, awkwardly directed and – at times – really quite hard to follow, that the story at its heart gets lost. Also, the main guy’s face. What is that about.

A bunch of people have drama that sometimes relates to other drama other people are having in this feature-length soap opera about celebrity, the media and… drama. But on the plus side, some people shoot and stab each other at the end.

This is, without doubt, the gnarliest film that has ever been put together. Follow the story of Larry Linkogle, one of the founders of freestyle motocross, as he achieves legendary status and battles his inner demons, all the the melodic mumble of Motorhead frontman Lemmy’s absolutely amazing narration.

After being lied to by a horoscope and having the stereotypical birthday from Hell, a young man sets out to prove that astrology is a bunch of bullshit. Tracking down the three people born closest to him in terms of time and location, he finds out he got more than he bargained for and learns some valuable life lessons. Hooray!

There are some people in this world who really love puppies; little girls, mostly, or pre-teens, or middle-aged folks with not a lot else to fill their days. This film is their Holy Grail. It’s as if the Cutest Puppies Of 2011 calendar they have hanging in their bedroom has come to life on screen and, not unexpectedly, it’s annoyingly adorable…

This documentary following the annual World’s Ugliest Dog Contest is sweet, funny and at times, very poignant. PLUS LOOK AT ALL THE FUNNY DOGGIES. They’re so ugly and cute at the same time it blows my mind. Apart from that one with the red eye. That is one terrifying red eye right there.

WARNING: do not watch this film near children, your parents, or vulnerable dogs. Or in an office surrounded by people with eyes. Or alone in a dark room. It’s rapey and also a bit just like porn at times. And there’s a crossbow! And more rape. Just maybe avoid it altogether if you’re not a fan of the things I just said.

What would happen if you threw the contents of Hitch, The Inbetweeners Movie and Crazy, Stupid, Love into a blender, whizzed them around for a few minutes and then poured the mixture all over your script? Why you’d get How To Stop Being A Loser of course…

What is it with low budget debuts and terrible bloody titles? Unfortunately, unlike the surprisingly good A Spanking In Paradise, Pinching Penny shows promise but is crippled by its own adolescence.