A Spanish revisionist take on the iconic American Western which tells a fictional story of an infamous non-fictional North American outlaw and is set in a South American country which was colonised by the Spanish….. ouch my head hurts. Nice mountains though.

JESUS don’t you miss the 90s? Back when simple things like sexism, homophobia, genuinely discomforting criminal activity weren’t yet tropes to be satirised, but instead Hilarious Jokes For Films With Jokes In? When boys were boys, girls were semen-buckets, people were desperately young and nothing mattered except the people being desperately young and buckety forever? Thank God then that American Reunion is here to remind us all that the golden era is alive and well. And when we say GOLDEN era, we probably mean WEEING ON YOU or something LOL cos of YELLOW and that’s how, you know, DUDE YOU KNOW IT

A nicely pitched counterbalance to the often grim visions we’ve come to associate with modern Scandinavian crime stories, Headhunters is less The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and more Coen brothers farce. A blackly comic thriller, it is at times wonderfully dark, but always far from dreary.

What exactly did you expect from an action epic based on a tea-time board game, starring John Carter, Rihanna, Liam Neeson in his sternest nose and an unexpected boat-steering pensioner whose only line is “looks like someone’s gonna BITE THE DONKEY”? Is this the greatest film ever made? Is it so dreadful I can’t see colours anymore? Why do the aliens love horses? Why is it OK to ask whether a man with prosthetic limbs might be “ONE OF THEM CYBORGS?” Is that blood running down your ears, or can tears come out of there now? Battleship has changed everything.

Soon-to-be Superman Henry Cavill hones his ‘acting like a tight t-shirted wall of brunette pointlessness’ muscles in this truly unforgivable action carcrash. Bruce Willis, Sigourney Weaver, you guys are legit – what on earth are you doing here? And by the way, Sigourney, we still haven’t talked about Abduction…

Looking for a challenging piece of angsty art house grime that will change the way you think about the universe and your place within it? Stop being so serious, can’t you? Down a mogadon smoothie and go and see Salmon Fishing In The Yemen instead. It’s got fish in it.

Snow White is a classic tale of true love, unfathomable evil and the perils of vanity. Mirror Mirror, on the other hand, is a story about the classic heroine getting riled up about taxes and joining a group of bandits…

With a plot as cheerfully convoluted as its title, viewers might start to feel sea-sick trying to keep up with the ridiculous twists and turns of The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists. But does it matter? Not really. This is home-made Aardman animation at its most visually dazzling, and the love, humour and detail locked in every frame ensures that story quibbles are soon tossed over-board.

Do you like dancing? Do you like the streets? Do you like the number two? Then you’re in luck; StreetDance 2 has hit cinemas with enough awesome moves, sexy encounters and badass attitude to sate the appetites of even the most hardcore dance flick fans…

Whit Stillman’s campus comedy centres on a group of quirky female friends and the collection of loser boys who are making their lives hell. Veering from moments of well-crafted realism to irritating quirkiness, Damsels in Distress is a frustratingly directionless film which is lifted almost solely by the winning performance of its lead, Greta Gerwig.