Tabloid is the story of red-top cover-girl Joyce McKinney, star of the infamous ‘Mormon in Manacles’ kidnapping and rape case of the late 70s. The plot jerks from clandestine cults, to kidnaps at gun point, ritual underwear, from prostitution to cloning – and the best part is it’s all true.

George A. Romero, Godfather of living dead men and big, bad rep behind Night, Day and Dawn of zombie cinema is probably Deadtime Stories‘ sole draw-card, and no doubt the only thing to compel any compos mentis horror fan to suffer through its bore/gorefest ridiculousness.

Roland Emmerich is putting aside the disaster flicks for a moment and indulging in a bit of Shakespearean conspiracy theory. It’s silly, lavish and fairly good fun. But can we please all just agree that Shakespeare wrote his plays? Please? OK, cool.

In Time is any studio exec’s dream. High-concept but easily simplified sci-fi, PLUS a distinctly un-futuristic set with just one really memorable visual tag which can be dragged out for all the posters, PLUS a plot point which means you can literally cast Olivia Wilde as Justin Timberlake’s mum? Gold, all of it. And the amazing thing is, In Time could have had all these and still been good. Unfortunately, twelve thousand temporal puns do not a watchable film make.

Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine are the two most adorable hillbillies ever to buy a dilapidated summer home and then be attacked by a group of perky college kids who believe them to be psycho killers. Funny, touching, gruesome, quirky: if you’ve ever loved us, WATCH THIS MOVIE AND SPREAD THE LOVE.

The wait is over. The moment has finally come. A ski film starring Michael Madsen, Kellan Lutz AND Luke Goss. Well, actually the moment came three years ago, but whatever. The real question is, what is Luke Goss of Eighties band Bros fame doing in this film? And why do people have names like ‘Kellan Lutz’?

Look, racism is bad, no matter what you say. We’re treading familiar ground with this well-coiffed and rather saccharine exploration of 60s Mississippi, but lovely performances and brisk plotting just about make The Help worth a watch. A word of warning: you’ll want fried chicken after. No-one said you’d feel good about that.

‘Wait. What? What is, what is going on? Is that a robot? Oh. Hang on. They’re dancing now. And singing! Where did those ladies in bikinis come from? Oh my god! Is he – is he dead? This is so sad! And touching and – wait. Intermission?’ My brain, the whole way through this film.

Whether or not you’re a Terence Rattigan fan, this classic story of lust and loss will leave you mistrusting polygons as only a skilfully crafted love triangle can. Whisking the audience deep into a simple and unbearably touching love story, The Deep Blue Sea is the most elegant and perfectly constructed film you’ll see all year.

Strange, romantic, thoughtful, touching and creepy all at once, this indie oddity from first-time filmmaker Kenton Bartlett was made on a shoestring budget but – one dodgy blonde wig aside – it doesn’t show.