DISCLAIMER: This film is A Film About Animals on Farms. If you’re a young girl, and you still think being a vet involves magically making animals better all the time, you’ll love it (and I hope your parents are strictly monitoring your internet use). Everyone else: avoid All Roads Lead Home. Avoid it like it’s a sow coughing loudly circa 2009.

Ghosted is another reliable, by-the-numbers and relatively unmemorable British prison drama. Why do we keep making them? Presumably because people lap them up – and if prison-drama-up-lapping is your bag, this’ll do you just fine.

A straight-to-DVD prize, where perinatal horror and unnaturally large nipples eclipse murder, paranoia and preternatural possession into insignificant mundanity. There’s little else to say, really, except to ask if we really needed another reason to fear the gory joys of pregnancy?

Whatever Happened to Pete Blaggit? is a sci-fi comedy about weddings, zombies and rape – and, should another film ever slot into that very specific sub-sub-subgenre, we guarantee it will be better than this incoherent and nonsensical tripe.

Red Canyon is a sombre and engrossing reflection on mortality and the life events that make us who we are. Actually – no. It’s completely awful.

Paying homage to Amélie, Audrey Tautou plays a character with a similar name delivering thick and fast laughs in this quirky tale of deception; but Beautiful Lies holds its own as an original and modern French farce. Formidable!

We review Tracker with Ray Winstone doing a ‘seth afrikaaan’ accent and it’s not too shabby. Both the accent and the film. Read on to see if you want to know how Winstone would track you down…

Psalm 21 seems to be a film that was born after someone discovered a new button on Adobe After Effects: the scary grey face button. After finding this fun new special effect, the filmmakers then crowbarred the plot around it; oh, it’s a film about the evils of religion? No problem, we can give people scary grey faces and it will be a metaphor or something.

Scary twins drive their classmates to suicide in Antonio Negret’s above-average horror/mystery; a film whose few dashes of originality allow it to remain more interesting than its limited release suggests.

1976 was kinda a big deal. Steve Jobs formed the Apple computer company, The Ramones released their first album, Big Ben stopped working, and the world saw the release of Storm Boy. Wait, what do you mean you’ve never heard of it? You sir, are missing out (sort of).