I’m afraid, film fans, I have a few pieces of bad news to share:

1) Russell Brand has a new starring role.
2) The Carry On films have returned to the big screen.
3) The last two pieces of information are related.

Perhaps one of the worst ideas in Christmas movie history, Carry On Stuffing is the modern day version of the ridiculous, heavily suggestive ‘comedic’ films that were somehow made popular in the 1970s. Tom Green directs, a face you will probably recognise from failures such as Freddy Got Fingered and Stealing Harvard.

The film is set in a hotel kitchen unsurprisingly at Christmas. Lee Evans is the head chef, desperate for his ambitious festive menu to be a success with the incredibly demanding guests that reside within the hotel, and the only people he has to help him are Russell Brand, Avid Merrion and Peter Kay. In true Carry On fashion, Evans’ work force are completely unreliable as they are only interested in impressing the new pastry chef, Lindsay Lohan.

I could begin my critique of Carry On Stuffing with a devastatingly negative comment in order to portray my complete disgust at the existence of the film and my utter contempt for all of its participants…but I shan’t. To give the film some credit, it actually has a solid and consistent plot: lunch must be served on time and should taste yummy. Subplots involve the so-called reformed Russell Brand and his fellow kitchen companions trying to sexually demoralise the clearly inebriated Lindsay Lohan as she sensually creams cakes and fiddles with bananas. I’m sure Lee Evans’ screams and prominent sweat patches also feature somewhere within the complexities of the film’s themes and motifs.

Oddly Green decided that there should be a few sing-along and dance-along moments within the ninety joy-filled minutes. During these sections, one of the actors addresses the audience and teaches either a gruesome song or a sordid dance while a number of unsubtle events occur in the background. Some musical gems included Hark! The Herald Angels Swing, Frosty The Blowman, Dick the Halls and, of course, the memorable A Gay In A Manger featuring David Walliams and Matt Lucas.

You’ll be glad to know that Walliams and Lucas are not the only celebrity cameos to appear in this cinematic masterpiece. Katie Price woodenly plays an irate guest desperate for a bit of breast and, when she is finally given the section of turkey she is after, Sylvester Stallone inexplicably begins to sing Rocky Around The Christmas Tree.

To conclude this dissection of an already decomposed corpse of a film, I simply have to quote the humorous legend that is Lee Evans. He announces as the credits begin to roll: “I can’t take any more stuffing, that’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!”

By Emily Babb

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