Mary Smith (voiced by Bristol Palin) is a kind-hearted All-American teenage girl, who wants nothing more this Christmas than to share her love for Jesus with all her classmates by singing – and being crowned Christmas Pageant Queen. At least until her evil principal Noncy Evilosi (voiced by Jane Lynch) decides to change the Christmas Pageant to a Winter Pageant, and forbids Mary from entering because of Affirmative Action. (Don’t worry, there are no black people in this film).

Mary decides to take to the streets by doing good works, like protesting outside of abortion clinics and military funerals, to show the people how baby Jesus loves fetuses and hates gays. My favorite scene is when Mary realizes that the things she’s sending to the troops overseas could end up in the hands of Iraqis or Koreans, and ends up in a hilarious slapstick rush to the post offices to make sure the care packages don’t get sent.

Eventually, Mary’s beautiful voice, pure heart, and blonde hair convert everyone to seeing the light of God: Principal Evilosi retires so a man can do her job, the school starts requiring mandatory Christian prayer sessions, and Mary is crowned Christmas Pageant Queen over Esther Finkelstein (who then converts to Christianity). This heartwarming animated classic has a little bit of everything: romance, adventure, comedy, and, of course, inspiration. Moreover, Mary’s story reminds us all of the real meaning of the season: buying the movie-licensed merchandise for your children.

by Tara Franey

To vote for How the Commie Libs Ruined Christmas and Want to Turn Us All Into Godless Heathens, click the “facebook like” button at the top of this page.

Back to Write Christmas