10 Films To See at Cannes 2012

Films are arranged in order of their PLOP rating, or Predicted Likelihood Of Appearance (Yeah, we totally went there. Expect lots more of this sort of thing). The PLOP is as predicted by Premiere; with those tiny, tiny degrees of variation, we really hope they were joking.

#1 Cosmopolis – David Cronenbourg

To some of you: one of the best and most distinctive directors working today tackles Don DeLillo’s classic-though-not-as-good-as-his-others novel.
To most of you: Robert Pattinson holds a gun and looks at a fanny.

Expect: Traumatised tweens vomiting into the bins outside Cineworld.
PLOP: 99.2% (0.8% less than definite, to allow for Acts of God)

#2 Rust and Bone – Jacques Audiard

After The Beat That My Heart Skipped and A Prophet, can Audiard make it three classics in a row? His latest is the tale of a man who falls in love with Marion Cotillard’s whale trainer, and nothing says ‘guaranteed hit’ like a trained whale. Especially if it’s been specifically trained to say ‘guaranteed hit’.

Expect: Unlike every holiday video ever, very little footage of manatees eating their own shit.
PLOP: 95.1% (Really, really probably)

#3 Love – Michael Haneke

Haneke invented calmly murdering someone with a cattle gun way before the Coen’s made it cool, and he’s been making nothing but great films ever since – sometimes even making them twice, the weirdo! Somehow his career hit a 20 year peak with 2009’s sublime The White Ribbon, so expect great things from this tale of a couple dealing with the aftermath of a stroke.

Expect: Isabelle Huppert to walk away with Best Actress, except don’t because she’s already won it twice.
PLOP: 95% (exactly 0.1% less likely than Rust and Bone)

#4 On The Road – Walter Salles

Don’t get us wrong, we’re as hesitant about this one as you all are. But Walter Salles made his breakthrough with The Motorcycle Diaries, which is practically a thesis on how to do this sort of thing, and if you try telling us that you’re not incontinent with excitement over seeing Viggo Mortenson’s Bill Boroughs, we’ll punch you in your face ’til you realise how wrong you are.

Expect: Kristen Stewart to come out of this far worse than she probably deserves.
PLOP: 95% (EXACTLY as likely as Love)

#5 Killing Them Softly – Andrew Dominik

One of the few real Hollywood enigmas, Dominik burst onto the scene with Chopper in ’00, invented Eric Bana, disappeared for SEVEN YEARS and then entirely justified it by returning with The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, which is as good as it and its title is long. His next, a crime thriller/dark comedy, re-unites him with Brad Pitt, and brings along Scoot McNairy (him from Monsters), James Gandolfini and Ray Liotta, who I mention only so I can make the following joke.

Expect: Brad and Scoot’s romance to be left ambiguous at the end after they watch Gandolfini and Liotta make love on top of a petrol station.
PLOP: 93% (Still really likely, in all honesty)

#6 The Funeral – Terrence Malick

Apparently bored of only releasing one film per decade, Malick has now changed his tack to releasing about five films every hour. His next feature, which is smothered in secrecy and may or may not be called The Funeral (but probably isn’t) almost certainly stars Ben Affleck and Rachel McAdams (perhaps) and a stunning supporting cast (this one is more likely) and follows the relationship between a man and possibly a woman after his marriage falls apart (or doesn’t).

Expect: Almost everything we’ve just told you to change before May.
PLOP: 80% (Assuming it actually exists)

#7 The We and The I – Michel Gondry

We’re all pretending that The Green Hornet didn’t happen – as should you all – and apparently Michel Gondry is trying to do the same. What we’d like is a return to the endearing uniqueness and devastating emotional impact of his earlier films, something that this ultra low-key depiction of social dynamics on a school bus coming home from the last day of term could potentially deliver.

Expect: Weirdness and anguish, PLEASE GOD WEIRDNESS AND ANGUISH
PLOP: 79% (No-one really knows enough to call it)

#8 Sightseers – Ben Wheatley

We bloody love Ben Wheatley, what with Kill List pretty much being the best film of last year, and we send him twenty emails a day simply reading ‘TELL US BEN TELL US WHAT’S NEXT TELL US THROUGH YOUR BEARD’. Turns out what’s next is a black comedy – not just dark, BLACK – about a bloke showing his sheltered girlfriend all his favourite things in Cumbria; the Crich Tramway Museum, the Ribblehead Viaduct and so, so much more.

Expect: Someone taking one of the pencils from the Keswick Pencil Museum and murdering the shit out of some poor bastard with it.
PLOP: 75% (Still fairly likely)

#9 Stoker – Park Chan-Wook

Some giants of World Cinema have crumbled in the face of an English Language debut (Susanne Bier, Luc Besson once every three years), but we’ve got exceptionally high hopes for Wookie. The script for this one, written by Wentworth ‘Michael ‘Prison Break’ Schofield’ Miller, was on the ‘Black List’ of the 10 best unproduced scripts doing the rounds in Hollywood in 2010.

Expect: Wentworth Miller to break through a wall halfway through, shout ‘Finally, it is I who has broken the prison!’, look around, blink, then awkwardly climb back into the hole.
PLOP: 65% (Cross your fingers reeeeal tight)

#10 The Master – Paul Thomas Anderson

His second film was the greatest movie ever made about porn. His next was a lot of people’s favourite film of the 90’s. He followed that up with a film that was so good it justified Adam Sandler’s entire career, and another that was probably the best film of the last 10 years. His next one is about a cult leader, stars Phil Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix, and may actually defeat religion in its entirety.

Expect: This to solve films forever.
PLOP: 40% (You’ll be lucky)

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