PREP:

We might as well tell you now, these aren’t going to be pretty hours. If you’re going to be sitting through not only The Ugly Truth, but 27 Dresses, Life As We Know It and New Year’s Eve you might as well go the whole hog and get some really self-destructive liquid strangler. Banish your noble ales, your sophisticated grapes and your gently nodding whiskeys. This is Babycham hour on Radio Nightmare, and you better be ready to listen your poor, pissed ears off.

Take One Sip: First Impressions

Whenever Katherine Heigl is introduced via a career that we subsequently don’t give a shit about

What is she this time? Like, a journalist? Or a stylist, or an architect or something? Oh cool, it literally doesn’t matter, because in about 15 minutes some bloke will say something to her and the rest of the film will be taken up with THEIR INEVITABLE PLOD TOWARDS INTERCOURSE. Cool.

Whenever you find yourself basing her character traits on the whimsy of her hairstyle

WHAT ELSE HAVE WE GOT TO GO ON? WHAT ELSE?

Whenever she talks about the fact that she doesn’t even NEED a man, because her life is so full, so exciting, so busy, so –

Double drink if you spot the pain in her soul, the lonely pain that comes from knowing that a really great job and good friends and a killer rack MEANS NOTHING if you don’t have Gerard Butler sticking it up you.

Take Two Sips: Character Development

Whenever Katherine Heigl is mildly (but oh so soft-focussed-ly) humiliated, in order that everyone can totally relate to her as a human being and a woman and a wank-rag or whatever

If she falls down hilariously at the end take a sip for every thought you had about what it would be like if she landed on your parts.

Whenever you can guess who Katherine Heigl is going to fall in love with, based on how much she’s utterly filled with vitriolic disgust at everything he does

BONUS DRINK if you can get as turned on as she apparently does by just… staring. Staring in blank horror.

If you can remember the name of any character she has ever played, including the one you’re watching right now

We’re not even worried.

Take Three Sips: Rest Of The Cast

Whenever Supporting Woman isn’t nearly pretty enough to have her own film

But DAMN if she aint spunky though! You hang in there, Joan Cusack! Your day is coming! (it’s not)

Whenever characters are forced to pretend Katherine Heigl looks like a normal human being

“But *Katherine Heigl’s Character*, don’t worry, SOMEDAY, SOME guy will see past your blonde locks, massive breasts and tender, sweeping thighs to the REAL YOU, I just know it”

Whenever one of those people show up.

You know, one of the people from the films that they’re all always in.

DRINK ALL THE DRINKS UNTIL SHE HAS SEX WITH YOU:

Whenever any of the following occur:

– A Dressing-Up montage accompanied by a song by Pink
– A LETTING DOWN THE BARRIERS moment followed by a I SHOULDN’T HAVE LET DOWN MY BARRIERS moment
– She is anywhere that isn’t Noo York City
– She’s suddenly in pants. It’ll happen.
– There’s, like, a really nice shoe or something – but a really, nice shoe, you know what I mean?

And finally, if you’ve managed to make it to the end of Killers without breaking all the glasses in the house, drinking out of them anyway and getting blood all over your chin and chest, you’ve done a damn sight better out of this than Ashton Kutcher. THANKS KATHY!

One For The Money is out today. She’s got brown hair in it!