Top 10 Films Cursed by Twilight

#10 – The Scorpion King (Peter Facinelli)

Twilight Character: Dr Carlisle Cullen (vampires can do medical degrees too, you know)

IMDB Rating: 5.4

Dialogue Taster –
Mathayus: You! You betrayed your own father?
Takmet: Yes. He was very shocked.
[holds up his father’s head]
Takmet: You could tell by the look on his face. (Real quote btw)

This film is a spin-off from The Mummy series, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as the eponymous Scorpion King. Peter Facinelli plays someone called Takmet and looks a little bit like Eric Bana.

Seeing as we like both The Rock and Eric Bana, we’ve decided to let this film have the honour of only being the tenth worst film on this list. It’s an achievement, we promise!

#9 – LOL (Ashley Greene)

Twilight Character: Alice Cullen

IMDB Rating: 1.0.1

Dialogue Taster –
Ashley Greene: LOL?
Miley Cyrus: Lol.
Dog: Rofl.

We know this film isn’t out yet but we have a fairly strong argument for it being on the list: it’s called LOL.

#8 – Chain Letter (Nikki Reed)

Twilight Character: Rosalie

IMDB Rating: 4.0

Dialogue Taster –
Nikki Reed: Did you forward that chain letter?
Person: No. Why?
Nikki Reed: No reason.
[Everyone dies]

Imagine if that rating was this film’s grade point average that American kids are always talking about in the movies. Chain Letter’s parents Mr and Mrs Letter would be sooooooo psyched. Chain would have the pick of the colleges!

So this film is a horror or something? The description, WORD FOR WORD, on IMDB goes like this: “A maniac murders teens when they refuse to forward chain mail”. What? And don’t put your head down Nikki Reed, we know it’s you there. Unless you’re putting your head down to think about what you’ve done and pray for forgiveness from whatever twisted demon god it is you worship. In which case, go ahead.

#7 – Immortals (Kellan Lutz)

Twilight Character: Emmet Cullen

IMDB Rating: 7.0 (?)

Dialogue Taster –
Kellan Lutz: I’m Poseidon! Where’s my trident?! I’m going swimmminnnnngggg now.

We recently reviewed this film and – as far as we remember – gave it a glowing write-up. PSYCH! It was awful.

In Immortals, Kellan Lutz – who has a knack for being in bad films – plays Poseidon and goes around doing stuff? We can’t be sure and the sad fact is, we probably never will be.

#6 – The Roommate (Cam Gigandet)

Twilight Character: James (his characters have bland names to make up for his real life name being completely made up)

IMDB Rating: 4.5

Dialogue Taster –
Stephen: Hey.

This is a film about a young woman who becomes obsessed with her roommate and starts to steal her life. You’re thinking Single White Female aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?! If you are you really should have read the title of this one more closely.

The Roommate is basically a remake of Single White Female but worse (that is how remakes usually work). Probably the most interesting thing about this film is that it stars Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly who look a bit like each other. And of course, Cam Gigandet is in it as “Stephen”. Go Stephen! Go roommates!

#5 – Jumper (Kristen Stewart)

Twilight Character: Bella Swan

IMDB Rating: 5.9

Dialogue Taster –

Ugh this film is boring. It’s so boring! It should be exciting, considering how much jumping there is in it! But it’s officially less fun than going on a trampoline. And it has Hayden Christensen in it shuffling about with his dead-eyed stare. Kristen Stewart is “Sophie” and she spends the film probably looking like she does here. We don’t know why Diane Lane is trying so hard to get in this photo. It’s almost like she wants everyone to know she was in this film.

#4 – Lady in the Water (Bryce Dallas Howard)

Twilight Character: Victoria

IMDB Rating: 5.7

Dialogue Taster –
Story:[to Cleveland on the walkie talkie] Cleveland, Run!

The genres listed under this film are Fantasy, Mystery and Comedy. It’s a comedy? Since when, M. Night Shyamalan? You can’t just call it a Comedy in hindsight because everyone watched it and laughed. “Oh, yeah that whole film was meant to be a joke. Haha!” – M. Night Shyamalan, just before he runs away and cries on his copy of The Sixth Sense.

Bryce Dallas Howard, daughter of Ron Howard, plays the lady in the water. Look at her here, with TWO of her silly faces. Oh, and she’s called Story. NOT A NAME, M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN.

#3 – Abduction (Taylor Lautner)

Twilight Character: Jacob Black

IMDB Rating: 4.0

Dialogue Taster –
Taylor Lautner: My entire life has been a lie.
Person: Shall we play Angry Birds on my iPad?
Taylor: I don’t like it. The bright colours confuse and enrage me.

Abduction, our old, terrible friend. This film has been a huge flop both commercially and critically but apparently there’s still going to be a sequel. How? Why? When? If it’s released after the end of 2012 then it’s fine because the world will be over by then. Just think, as the volcanic ash from Yellowstone’s massive, life-ending eruption is settling on your face, you can close your eyes in bliss and silently whisper your thanks to Nikki Reed’s demon god for being spared from seeing another Abduction film.

#2 – The Last Airbender (Jackson Rathbone)

Twilight Character: Jasper Hale

IMDB Rating: 4.5

Dialogue Taster –
[jumping up and down]
Sokka: Woohoo!

Hi again, M. Can we call you M? Sooooooo, all of us here at BFF are just wondering, like, you know – what’s going on? You know, like, in your brain? Did something happen to your brain? M, are you like one of those people that gets struck with lightning and when they wake up they can remember really long numbers or can speak Portuguese, only with you it made you stop being a good director and made you be an awful director? You can tell us if that’s what happened.

#1 – Twilight (ALL OF THEM)

Average IMDB Rating: 4.7

Surely you saw this coming.

If you can think of any other Twilight-cursed films that deserve a place on this list or if you’re offended by our fake film quotations, please comment below.

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