Top 10 Times Reese Witherspoon Ruined Everyone’s Life
What do we really know about Reese Witherspoon? Well, we know we like her. We know that she has round eyes and a pointy chin, and men find it scandalously easy to fall in love with her. This is something we might choose to hold against some of the lesser shrews of this world, but even lovely women have a soft spot for Reese. She’s been legally blonde, she’s been June Carter, and she’s been fingered by Mark Wahlberg in Fear. But we’ve also noticed a very strong trend in Reese Witherspoon’s movies, and it’s that she tends to fuck up everything for everyone, all the time.
#10 – American Psycho
Lives Ruined: Countless lives, One Pig
The most popular existing theory pertaining to why Patrick Bateman is an utter psychopath is because… well, because he just is. But frankly, I don’t think this is an excuse that’s good enough anymore. Let’s take another glance at that movie, particularly the collective six minutes where Reese Witherspoon appears. She’s far too annoying. All she does is plan weddings and clutch micropigs and nag poor old affable Patrick Bateman to the point of madness.
#9 – Fear
Lives Ruined: Mark Wahlberg, everyone Mark Wahlberg knows
Going out with Mark Wahlberg is a pretty sweet deal. It’s exact like going out with Matt Damon, except far less good. Which is still quite good. In Fear, a teenage Reese manages to snag a dashing if slightly unnerving Mark Wahlberg. She ruins the whole thing for herself by needlessly awaking his jealousy by talking and knowing other people though, the troublesome skank. In a calculated response, this causes Mark Wahlberg to physically assault everyone in this whole movie.
#8 – Sweet Home Alabama
Lives Ruined: Some guy, a dog dies.
Reese Witherspoon plays Melanie Smooter, who like every other rom-com character with a stupid last name, is obviously hiding some kind of embarassing past that forces her to talk like a goon in her sleep. Like every other woman in a rom-com ever, she is also a FASHION DESIGNER, because this is one of four jobs women are allowed to do in films. Turns out, she abandoned her husband, leaving him a broken shell of a man who refuses to divorce her, and owns a motorboat or something. Hes a total git now, but he used to be nice. Also, his dog died, which is somehow Reese Witherspoon’s fault.
#7 – Legally Blonde
Lives Ruined: Perm Girl, plus everyone’s faith in the legal system and perms.
I don’t care who you are, where you’ve been, or how many Stanley Kubrick boxsets you own. You love Legally Blonde. And why wouldn’t you? Sweet, mildly thick Elle Woods gets into Harvard on the strength of her pluck and fantastic tits, discovers academic self, rocks world. She also managed to eff things up royally for Chutney, the girl who shot her father, blamed her stepmother and was revealed by Elle Woods as the culprit because of her ability to take a shower after getting a perm. This not only ruined Chutney’s awesome plan, but also everyone’s ability to believe in the legal system as an actual thing. Suddenly, plucky ample-chested girls everywhere were utterly convinced they could become lawyers, inevitably failing and going to work for film websites instead.
#6 – Election
Lives Ruined: 4
Election is probably Reese Witherspoon’s most indie-credible performance, and for good reason. Her hyper-ambitious and somewhat demonic Tracey Flick gained her respect as more than just a miscellaneous blonde love interest, but at what cost?
Election, although ostensibly about a high school presidency, is actually built on the pre-existing backstory of Tracy Flick’s affair with her high-school teacher, who she quickly abandons. Distraught, the teacher’s marriage breaks down, leading his wife to solicit the long-suffering Matthew Broderick into an affair, which then causes his marriage break down. It’s kind of like the song Don’t Stand So Close To Me, but in reverse, and with more marriages breaking down.
#5 – Walk The Line
Lives Ruined: The Whole Cash Family, the institution of marriage in general
There’s nothing not to like about June Carter. She’s adorable, she cops off with Johnny Cash and she says things like “YOU AIN’T NEVER GONNA WALK THE LINE!”, as if that’s an actual thing people say. BUT HANG ON A SECOND. What about Johnny Cash’s pre-existing marriage to Ginnifer Goodwin? You know, the one with all the children and the familial responsibilities.
Ruining the lives of Ginnifer and family apparently not being enough to satisfy her hate-boner, Reese then goes onto ruin everyone’s faith in marriage in a weird Walmart scene where some redneck shouts at her for getting divorced. The redneck lady is clearly mental, but maybe she does have a point. What are you at, Reese, getting divorced? Stop ruining everyone’s belief in things.
#4 – Monsters Vs. Aliens
Lives Ruined: A Cartoon Village
I saw the first twenty minutes of this movie and fell asleep, but correct me if I’m wrong: white-haired female character voiced by Reese Witherspoon becomes a giant and crushes a cartoon village, right?
#3 – Cruel Intentions
Lives Ruined: A bunch of sexy teens, Ryan Phillippe’s career
If you grew up in the nineties, then chances are that you thought you were proper deep for liking Cruel Intentions. Drugs, obscene sexuality, veiled references to Selma Blair’s pubes: Cruel Intentions was the ‘edgy’ teen movie the awesome kids brought to the sleepover.
Reese’s character, the holier-then-thou Annette, acts as an unwitting play thing of Sebastian (Ryan Phillippe) and his perpetually aroused stepsister Kathryn (Sarah Michelle Gellar). It all goes pear-shaped when Sebastian dives in front of a car in an attempt to save Annette, dying amusingly in the process. Some more things happen, Sarah Michelle Gellar goes to prison or something. But more importantly, as anyone seen or heard from Ryan Phillippe since? Exactly.
(Skip to 1.18 for the good bit)
#2 – Water for Elephants
Lives Ruined: Christopher Waltz, some horses, the whole circus
Remember Christopher Waltz in Inglourious Basterds? Imagine if the exact same character went and opened a circus. A ruddy big circus! How drolle. Except instead of being a mere anti-Semite, now he hates all living things. That’s basically the plot of Water for Elephants.
Oddly though, Waltz isn’t the real villain here. His circus was puttering away quite nicely until Reese Witherspoon rides some horses until their hooves fall off, forcing Robert Pattinson to shoot all of her lovely horses in the face. The obvious eroticism of this situation leads to some top-shelf sex between Pattinson and Spoonsy, which drives Waltz’s character over the edge of sanity. Patterspoon run off into the horizon, Waltz goes mental, some stuff happens, everyone loses their job or dies. NICE ONE REESE.
#1 – Pleasantville
Lives Ruined: Literally the whole town of Pleasantville
In this film, Reese Witherspoon teaches an entire village of 1950’s stereotypes to masturbate, which inevitably leads to civil war. It’s a metaphor, probably.