Bodyguard remake is liable to be utterly shit

Let’s not beat around the bush here. The Bodyguard was pretty dreadful, although it was semi-worth watching for the sake of the cool bit with the sword and the dubious pleasure of seeing Whitney back when she wasn’t leaking crack from every pore. But a remake of the 1992 stalker-driven romance is exactly what the world does not need. DOES NOT. DO YOU HEAR ME, WORMS?

Warner Bros evidently has its eye on a box office smash comparable with the original, which made a hefty $411m worldwide, but this time the story is being rejigged – for ‘Secret Service agent’ read ‘Iraq veteran’ and for ‘stalker’ read ‘someone on Twitter who gets a bit close for comfort’. It’ll probably star Bieber or someone, just in case it doesn’t feel edgy enough. This from the studio that is already inflicting a FOURTH bloody version of A Star Is Born on an unsuspecting world – a version starring BeyoncĂ©. We hate you, Warner Brothers – both of you, Yakko and Wakko, you bastards, and that bitch with the flower. Grin, grin the grin of the blissfully ignorant whilst we burn your home and everything you hold dear.

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