Yesterday shoppers in Carnaby street were privy to one of the rarest sights on earth, the genuine Santa Claus! That’s right, eat your heart out Harrods, this one’s the real deal! And before you go getting all sympathetic, let me tell you he’s caged for good reason…..

Santa was flown in from Lapland especially to celebrate the launch of Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale, one of the very few Christmas films coming out in 2010. This comedy-thriller explains the true nature of Old Saint Nick, and trust me, it ain’t pretty. We learn that Santa, (who is in actual fact a malevolent and supernatural being) having been disturbed from an ancient burial mound under the Finnish ice, has come to wreak havoc. He’s woken up with an appetite for kidnap and torture, so you’d better watch out!

It’s been rumoured that some of yesterday’s passers-by were given the chance to feed Santa a ginger biscuit. Although it is not yet confirmed whether a feeding did in fact take place, I can happily report that the day went off without a hitch thanks to the professional Lapland Santa hunters on hand at all times.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (15) is a foreign film (Finnish, in fact). But do not fear the foreign, dark slant – go see. It will be in cinemas on Friday 3rd December. Christmas will never be the same again and here’s a teaser to prove it……