Nicholas Sparks – the creepy wax-featured man behind much loved weepy romance The Notebook, semi-loved weepy romance A Walk to Remember and largely ignored weepy romance The Last Song – has been up to his old tricks again! This time, the novel is called The Lucky One and the film stars Zac Efron as a Marine. Ha! That sounds totally reasonable. WE’RE LISTENING, NICHOLAS SPARKS, AND WE’RE INTRIGUED. Please continue.

Ah ha. Ahahahahaha. Literally everything that happens in this trailer is SHOCKING. If you couldn’t bear to watch it, we’ll recap for you. Logan (Efron) finds a photo in some sand which stops him from getting blown up. Then he gets to go and find the lady from the photo. She lives on a farm! Or something. AND SHE HAS THE SAME MOM AS GWYNETH PALTROW. And that mom is so sassy. She also has a kid and likes to make jambalaya. Don’t get us started on her ex though! At one point he grabs her arm! “Let go of my arm” the lady says. This guy’s a total arm grabber. Logan and the lady kiss in an outdoor shower (is that a thing people have on farms? Probably).

Listen, guys, the point is we all know what’s going to happen in this film because it’s Nicholas Sparks. LOVE AND DEATH. Our money is on Blythe Danner popping her clogs. Or maybe the ex husband. OR THE KID. The kid gets run over and dies in Logan’s muscular arms? Or maybe Logan and the lady decide to take part in a murder suicide and everyone dies? That could be it.