Do you remember the good old days, when television shows STAYED on television and cinemagoers were provided with good – actually good – movies? Those days are dead. Gone. Finito. Instead, we have the likes of Leigh Francis, dubbed one of the best comics of our time, bringing the horrible and unwatchable Keith Lemon: The Film to a silver screen near you.

The plot (and I’m using the term as loosely as possible here) is almost devastatingly simple. Keith Lemon is a wannabe inventor, based in Leeds, and he’s absolutely awful at it. So, when he gets his hands on someone elses idea for a brand-new phone, he does the only thing he can; steals it, sticks a lemon on the back of it and turns it into an overnight sensation. Quickly achieving his dreams of becoming a misogynist bastard, Keith ditches his loyal girlfriend Rosie (Aikman), waves sayonara to best pal Kevin Bishop and heads off to find a way to have sex with Kelly Brook. Who, for reasons we find it hard to fathom, is all too happy to oblige – she even deep throats a sausage, Tulisa Contostavlos style, in a bid to turn Keith on.

And that’s basically it. That’s the plot. THE ENTIRE PLOT IS BASED ON KEITH LEMON BEING AN ABSOLUTE DICKHEAD! Which, for fans of the original TV show (who are you people?), is nothing new. After all, Leigh Francis’ on-screen persona is known for just five things; making annoying noises, irritating Z-list celebs, cracking jokes about his bodily functions, being an utter sleazebag and having fucking stupid hair. The movie simply extends these jokes – are calling them jokes now? – into 85 minutes of relentlessly awful and nonsensical events.

If you find the plot lacking in substance, there are, at least, plenty of celeb cameos for you to try and recognise. From the dizzying heights of Jason Donovan, Kelly Brook and David Hasselhoff, to the terrifying lows of Ronan ‘I Had An Affair’ Keating, Peter Andre and a few lost looking ITV presenters, this film is a veritable buffet of Z-listers trying to inject some of Leigh Francis’ controversial oomph into their flagging careers. Jedward even rock up to give Keith Lemon a run for his money in the terrible blonde hair stakes. And god only knows what horrific dirt he’s been using to blackmail the gorgeous Kelly Brook into a) performing oral sex on a meat product and b) giving the impression that anybody could ever be aroused by Keith Lemon. We refuse to believe that the glamour model turned actress (she was in Piranha 3D!) is THAT desperate for fame. We just… we just refuse. SHE SEEMS LIKE A NICE LADY, GODDAMNIT.

The film’s director, Paul Angunawela, has only ever worked with Leigh Francis before, which goes someway to explaining how this movie became so unfit for human eyes. Instead of working out a credible plot, Angunawela instead opts for the overuse of self-indulgent Keith Lemon and Bo’ Selecta! references, gags and cameos, alienating the majority of his audience. Even hardcore Keith Lemon fans would be hard-pressed to find any semblance of meaning or purpose to this inexplicable celebration of all the things Angunawela and Francis have created.

Is there an excuse for this movie? Well, yes, if making money is an excuse. We’re presuming that Leigh Francis was hoping to emulate the success of box office hit The Inbetweeners Movie – which also came to the silver screen from a television comedy – but, unlike the awkward boys holiday film, this movie has absolutely no universal appeal. And that’s coming from us, the folks who HATED The Inbetweeners cash cow flick. Whereas Neil, Simon, Will and Jay are likeable characters in a semi-believable situation (we all go a little bit crazy in the summer, after all), Keith Lemon: The Film follows a ridiculously unlikeable human being as he lives out the wet dream of any chauvaunistic asshole out there.

All we can hope is that the movie never makes it beyond the borders of the United Kingdom. It would be awful to, after the huge success of the London 2012 Olympic Games, reveal Leigh Francis to the world – after all, he’s supposed to be one of our country’s top comedy icons of the noughties. Shudder. But, if you enjoy sex, farts, sandwich jokes (genuine thing) and celebs looking uncomfortable then, by all means, go and see Keith Lemon: The Film. If you have any semblance of taste and self-worth, do yourself a favour and avoid it at all costs. Never has a lemon tasted so bitter…