Now, I’m aware of the B-movie subgenre of the ‘shark’ movie. Or specifically, the ‘shark + one great idea’ movie. If I was an aficionado, I wouldn’t have watched Dinoshark until I had also watched Shark Attack, Shark Attack 2, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, Shark Attack in the Mediterranean, Spring Break Shark Attack, Malibu Shark Attack, Shark Hunter, Shark Zone, Shark Swarm, Sharks in Venice, Raging Sharks, Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy, Megalodon and Deep Blue Sea. Then you could truly trust my words.

As it is, I haven’t even watched Dinocroc, by the same director. The title’s a giveaway though: It’s going to be a dinosaur spliced with a shark, and it’s going to be a trashy monster movie. I was hoping for glorious cheese. What I got was something patchy that hit neither the heights to which a dinosaur (in this movie, at least) can leap nor the depths to which a shark can swim. Which is up to 6,000 ft below the surface of the ocean, marine fact-lovers.

Obviously you’ll be watching this film for the plot. Obviously. So let it be known that a baby prehistoric shark (that looks exactly like a normal shark with a land predator’s head on it) breaks free from a melting glacier that kept it in suspended animation all these years. In three years it grows to its full size and descends on a Mexico tourist hotspot to eat everything in sight.

There is some quality cheese to be had once the randomly repetitive shark attacks are over and done with and everyone settles down into trying to stop the dinoshark from gatecrashing a big water polo match (see? It found culture as well as food). Highlights of the film include fabulously silly set pieces where the dinoshark leaps acrobatically through the air to pick off parasailers while our wooden-faced heroes chase after it on jet skis armed with hand grenades.

In all, this never hits the full majesty of its title, and possibly does a little too much of the old reveal when handling the monster itself, but still has enough novelty value to warrant a titter. It’s something to keep me going until Piranha 3DD. And I never get tired of a bitey aquaraptor closing in on my face. It makes me come over all motherly, like.

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