So brightly coloured. So many cheekbones.

“Relax,” says Michael Bay. “What a pack of losers,” thinks Michael Bay.

All the hallmarks of a good thriller are here, but ID: A lacks the originality (and a good title) to stick in the memory. The leading lady’s a joy to watch though, and not just because she’s cute… which she most definitely is.

He’s only just gone and directed universally foamed-about The Hunger Games, hasn’t he? But did you know he also wrote Big? And Pleasantville? And LASSIE (sort of)? And that he only got his break because he won a pot-load of cash on a game-show? JEEPERS you’ve got a lot to learn about man of the moment Gary Ross. CHEAT-SHEET, I choose YOU.

Cliched performances, shallow characters and a patchy narrative. Still, it involves medieval torture and the Spanish Inquisition, so there’s at least something to see here.

Yeap….another one….

Gary Ross fleshes out Suzanne Collins’ sparse survival tale into a fully-fledged dystopian action flick, adding social and political complexities only glimpsed at in the debut novel. Stonking performances from everyone involved, genuinely harrowing scenes of sacrifice and A TOTAL LACK OF WEEPING VAMPIRES make this one teen franchise actual worthy of the label Young Adult. Thanks Bella, but you can go now.

Everyone likes Jake Gyllenhaal, with his constant semi-smile and puppy-dog eyes. So what’s not to like about a film in which he plays two parts?

Don’t you hate it when you lose $200 million?

JUNE THE FIRST JUNE THE FIRST OH MY GOD BOOBS