CABIN IN THE WOODS IS OUT! Obviously that’s what you’re going to go and see this week, but if you’ve seen it already (we all have) then you might need some other ideas on how to use your Orange 2-4-1 voucher. Or you could just, you know, see Cabin in the Woods again. That’s what we’d do. Have done. Are doing, tonight, again. Whatever. FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

To celebrate the release of groundbreaking nonsense Battleship, we’ve sailed the high seas of cinema in search of the silver screen’s best ever boats. Which is your favourite? The Pequod? La Amistad? The Potemkin? Yeah, none of them are in it.

It’s a Wednesday, and the aliens are here! It’s alright though, because they appear to be sea-dwelling aliens and there aren’t any cinemas at sea – your 2-4-1 deal is safe as houses, so crack on and enjoy (relatively) cheap film tickets before the world is incinerated! Hang on, what do you mean you don’t know what to watch?

It’s Monday tomorrow and, unlike all those other rubbish Mondays, this one’s a Bank Holiday. Blessed be the day off! What better way to spend our extra 24 hours of freedom than with all of the FILMS OUT THIS WEEK!!!

I think, by now, we’re all aware that for years Hollywood has been making terrible mistake after terrible mistake. Self-confessed penis-whisperer Samantha Brick has set the world alight with her truly admirable fight against gender equality, and we feel it’s only right that we celebrate with her in style. Why bother using literally any other actresses when Samantha Brick continues to erupt loins with the power of her own face? Five films that, if all things were equal, The Brick would have smashed. Set your eyes from Vision to Erection. This is going to get moist.

Oh sure, everybody knows that James Cameron loves going crazy with his special effects. And, sure, everyone knows that he had something to do with Titanic… but what ELSE do you know about tempestuous Captain Jim, eh? Exactly. Prepare for an iceberg of knowledge to sink (and destroy) your preconceptions on one of the most influential men in Hollywood…

Someone told her Chris Brown was round the corner.

Another week gone, and unless you’re Whitney Houston you’ve managed to survive it! (We’ll stop the Whitney jokes next week, promise). What better way to celebrate your continued existence than to crawl back into bed and read about all the things what done happened since last time we presumed upon your weekend?

George Lucas’ mammoth rerelease of all six Star Wars films in 3D has finally begun with the most profitable of them all, 1999’s The Phantom Menace. Are you thinking about going to see it, just for old times’ sake? DON’T. There’s no need for you to ruin your comfortably rose-tinted memories of Lucas’ increasingly childish ‘space operas’, and he’ll only use the money to increase the diameter of his neck some more…

As we enter Oscar season it is easy to forget that, while cinema of course has a responsibility to impress and inform, it is ultimately at its best when making you laugh out loud at an anthropomorphised something-or-other in a screen shared by adults and children alike. When it’s a bit more animated, if you will. As such, here is a list of the ten most exciting animated movies heading to a cinema near you this year.