Is there any hurt more painful than that of disappointing porn? 3D Sex And Zen has been advertised as a cheerful bums-and-boobs romp through Eastern erotica, with its tongue firmly in cheek (as well as everywhere else you can think of, sailor). Imagine my surprise, then, at being presented of two hours of utterly incomprehensible nonsense interspersed with scenes of (hilarious?) rape. Boring, offensive and utterly baffling. Don’t bother. Really.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

Veteran film-maker Jean-Luc Godard recently lamented the state of modern cinema whilst promoting his new film Film Socialisme. I take a look at his comments within the context of some of the independent cinema flourishing today and ask whether film is indeed over, and what to make of the term “auteur” in the current cinematic climate.

Only the worst bits. So, like, all of it?

Oprah? Really?

Another Snow White film? Are you kidding?

You know how films should be more like games?

In this sweltering heat, the once jovial laughter borne of an impromptu flip-flop has long since died a wheezy death. The descent into unpleasant shorts-moistening can mean only one thing: retreat. Retreat, dear friends, to the air-conditioned nirvana of the blockbuster. For ’tis Wednesday, and on this day, we watch.

Following on from 2007’s acclaimed Elite Squad, this sequel returns to the murky world of the BOPE, Rio de Janeiro’s famed and feared military police battalion. Genre fans will doubtless find much to coo over, but for all its bombast it’s difficult to tell whether there’s actually any substance hiding under the bulletproof vest.

It’s summer, the kids are bored and the grown-ups are too warm for Twister – it’s time for family cinema gold. Why not bring out yet another movie in which animals can talk, couple it with a lack-lustre storyline, and a mish-mash of actors. Cook it for about a year, let it cool for a month and what are we left with? Zookeeper.