Oh god, not the Glowy Hands of Doom. Didn’t they see I Am Number Four?

Being a massive star looks rubbish.

You like weeping, right?

IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN! Super 8 is out on Friday, and if we haven’t cracked the monster’s identity by now we may as well pack up and go home. Lend us your eyes (we’ll give them back)…

Expect a sweeping, dusty, realist account of Depression era America.

SPOILERS

Well it has been out for nearly three weeks now…

The twist is that they’re all gay.

43 years on from Charlton Heston’s first encounter with a society of talking apes, this origin story finally explains exactly why monkeys started wearing helmets. And what a story it is. Unknown director Rupert Wyatt has effortlessly gold-plated his CV with this intelligent and engaging blockbuster, which may well see Andy Serkis win the first ever Oscar awarded for a motion capture performance. A triumph.

It’s a cinema. Except you’ve got to be in a boat. This is the BEST THING EVER!