Don’t even pretend you didn’t consider kneeling.

Holy pineapple chunks, Batman – it’s a brand new feature! Today and on every weekend until the Earth is consumed by fire and ice, we will be bringing you the pick of the week’s film gossip in a format so accessible, democratic and toothsome you might well mistake it for Peaches Geldof’s ladygarden. It’s time to round up the news…

Ah, Tim Burton. It seems everyone’s got an opinion on the pseudo-gothic king of whimsical romantic fantasy – whether you worship his early work and abominate Alice in Wonderland, prefer his more straightforward films (Planet of the Apes, anyone?) or just want to see more dead women getting married, it’s hard to stay neutral. With that sentiment ever at the forefront of our minds, we’ve had a bit of a row.

An ex-con seeks revenge in a thriller that never really gets going. Although, that’s kind of the point…..

After some internal debate, we’ve decided that all four Die Hard films are applicable, even though we’ve been kinda pretending that Die Hard 4.0 doesn’t exist for the past four..

Finally, Neil McCormick’s memoir has made it to the big screen! Wait, who? Oh, just some bloke who went to school with U2 who spent most of his formative years playing in a band with his brother and trying (and failing) to emulate their success.

Ah! A compelling tale of pride, jealousy and brotherly love served up with a devastating critique of record industry? Don’t count on it.

Competition closed. Winners: D Mullooly, K Scott, Y Brownsea

The normally quite arty Todd Field is changing gear for his next film, a thriller set on the Mexican border in 1910.

Damn Your Eyes is a Grindhouse Western about an eyeless badass cowboy who drinks goat’s milk and goes from town to town exacting bloody revenge on a past wrong. Creative swearing, smoke-filled saloons, Oedipal complexes and blood seeping into sawdust… what more could any Westploitation fan wish for?

The teaser trailer for Roland Emmerich’s new film, Anonymous is now online. It may come as a bit of a surprise that there is, ostensibly, nothing apocalyptic going down on..