Soon to be renamed ‘Going Sparkly’.

Finally, a co-star to match the misery of Kristen Stewart…

What do you know about Kristin Scott Thomas? Exactly. She’s beautiful and French (except she isn’t, but you know) and she plays lots of tragic heroines and frigid upper-class women and generally people who look down their nose at the world until they suddenly have all the sex. If that’s it, you need this Cheat Sheet like KST needs a genteel chignon (clue: a lot)

R-Pattz’ post-Twilight breakout role is as a talentless schmoozer who drags himself up the ranks of fin de siècle Parisian society on a ladder made from other men’s wives. Visually dazzling but with no real substance, this new adaptation of an 1885 novel is as charmingly insubstantial as its lusty yet anodyne antihero. Bel ami, médiocre film.

Here we are again, eh? Another start to another week in another month that will go on and on until one of those predictions we’ve heard about end up being true and we all get cast into the fiery depths. Which, frankly, will be a nice change. Anyway, The Glasgow Film Festival is on! That’s something to raise your kilt about!

But… but HOW?

Apparently women fancy him.

Obviously not content with being the anaemic lustful object of every girl on the planet, Twilight star Robert Pattinson has revealed that he is set to play opposite Uma Thurman in Bel..

Uma Thurman will be the envy of every teenage girl across the world. She’s just landed a role alongside everyone’s favourite vampire Robert Pattinson, in a film called Bel Ami…