From our reporter in the field, Brian Fant- no, wait, Steven Neish.

The anomaly here is this: who on earth is Luke Hemsworth?

Retired and Extremely Dangerous? More like Do Not Resuscitate

Immortals is out, and that’s as good a reason as any to get so drunk that you start calling your wedding tackle ‘Poseidon’ and telling it you’ll sacrifice a white bull to it just as soon as one trots out of the sea. Make sure you don’t substitute another bull, though, or your testicles might turn into a MInotaur. Or something. Can you tell that we’ve already started drinking?

Such a beautiful family.

Ralph Fiennes’ directorial debut takes on one of the darkest and most violent of Shakespeare’s tragedies with gorily glorious results. Combining a talented and varied central cast with an intelligently updated script which transports the play to the war-torn present day, Coriolanus is Shakespeare for the Call of Duty generation.

Ironclad sees Paul Giamatti as the megalomaniac King John, whose taking of Rochester Castle will guarantee him nationwide power. Cue lots of shouty speeches, long swords and hot oil in this historical bloodbath.

Ten years of film all neatly rolled into one awesomely epic list of greats! Feast your eyes on the Top 30 Films of the Decade.

Bruce Willis. Morgan Freeman. John Malkovich. Dame Helen Mirren. These are hefty names. It might seem reasonable to assume that a film capable of bringing them together would be pretty bloody special, mightn’t it? Unfortunately, it seems that all it takes is a production company with very deep pockets. Seeing Red is a truly unhappy experience which you are advised to avoid.