Have you ever thought, we mean really thought, about Sean Penn? We have. And lo and behold one of us thinks he’s of the Parker fountain Penn of Hollywood, and the other thinks he’s just the biro that the dog has chewed and oh god someone call the vet, it’s choking.

As if that’ll help.

Wow. That’s… stupid.

Who, in the entire history of the movies, has been the most badly behaved? Whose pursuit of sex, drugs and glory was the most relentless, debauched or just downright deplorable? We raise our shot glasses to our Top 10 real life movie LADS, all of whom go to prove that rock and roll is alive, well, and probably trying to sleep with you.

After the horrible failure of Madonna’s directorial debut (she had a directorial debut? We know, we missed it too), it seems that the queen of pop is ready to give it another try. The story she’s got her eye on is that of Wallis Simpson; the American socialite whom King Edward VIII abdicated the throne for in the 1930s. She has been described as both a “greedy snob” and a “sexual predator”.

Once you find what it is you’re good at then just go with that, right? There’s no need to try your hand at anything else. Take the warblers and crooners for example; mainly the ones that sing about love, relationships and all that romantic crap. They should just stick to their day jobs. There’s absolutely no need for them to attempt a career in acting because quite frankly, it’s embarrassing for everyone.

At least, not always. Films that studios allocate ridiculously bloated publicity budgets to are not always likely to be showered in glowing reviews and critical acclaim. Here we chronicle 2009’s most hyped films, some of which delivered and some that blew up in the studios’ faces big time.

Heck, we’re as guilty as anyone out there banging on about Avatar for the last goodness-knows-how-long, what with the fancy new effects, stereoscopic whatsit and mind-blowing interactive trailer. When a film’s hyped as much as Avatar has been, it gets pretty tricky (after a while) to distance yourself from all the marketing hoo-har.

Not really what you’d expect from the undisputed King Of Surrealism – David Lynch’s next project won’t include a) a monstrous, spitting foetus child; b) a topsy-turvy road trip or c) Laura Dern, topless. No, instead, the great man will be making a film in India about Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the man responsible for the introduction of Transcendental Meditation to the US and Europe.