OH GOD WHO SET FIRE TO THE SKY? Summer has finally arrived, and if you’re going to preserve that distinctive ‘cineaste tan’ (dead white skin, blue veins, squinting eyes) then you need to stay in the shade. And where could be shadier than a cinema? Apart from an adult cinema, of course. FUN WITH HOMONYMS!

It’s impossible to dress for this weather – one minute it’s sheeting down, the next it’s hotter than Jude Law’s crotch five seconds after he’s met the new nanny. So why bother to go outside at all? Hide in the multiplex all day and watch film after film after film, secure in the knowledge that all you really need to wear is some pants. Thank god for the OWLs!

It’s the sexiest OW&L in history, which makes it just 14% less sexy than everything else on the internet. Let’s celebrate by going into a dark room, getting nice and close and WATCHING AVENGERS ASSEMBLE ALL OVER AGAIN! Or whatever. Your call, hot stuff.

It’s May, the month of flowers and solidarity with the international working class! What better time to take advantage of a promotion which will allow you to spend slightly less than usual on the grotesquely overpriced luxury that is going to the cinema? Those Avengers aren’t going to watch themselves!

OH SWEET JESUS, HAVE YOU SEEN THE RAIN? April is determined to go out with a soggy bang, and now all your plans for a nice picnic have been drowned in sky-water there’s literally no reason for you not to go to the cinema tonight. You could even take in your pork pies and ginger beer and that! Thrift and films and pretending to be in the Famous Five, that’s the Best For Film way…

CABIN IN THE WOODS IS OUT! Obviously that’s what you’re going to go and see this week, but if you’ve seen it already (we all have) then you might need some other ideas on how to use your Orange 2-4-1 voucher. Or you could just, you know, see Cabin in the Woods again. That’s what we’d do. Have done. Are doing, tonight, again. Whatever. FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

It’s a Wednesday, and the aliens are here! It’s alright though, because they appear to be sea-dwelling aliens and there aren’t any cinemas at sea – your 2-4-1 deal is safe as houses, so crack on and enjoy (relatively) cheap film tickets before the world is incinerated! Hang on, what do you mean you don’t know what to watch?

Hungry games, pirates and scientists, furniture SO DAMN TINY you couldn’t see it in a mirror mirror – there’s just so much going on at a screen near you this week. But what should you fob off in order to watch Liam Neeson be Zeus dreadfully again? We’ve got the answers…

Too hot. Too hot now. It’s been two days since winter, and already we miss winter. Why? Because we’re English, DAMMIT, and it’s our lot in life to complain about nice things. Let’s go to the cinema. It’s dark and cold there, dark and cold like our nationalistic hearts. YAY FILMS! HALF PRICE FILMS!

Look, sure, any sane person is going to be saving up their film-cash for next week when they can go watch The Hunger Games , but frankly, if you’re a sane person, you’re probably not still on-board with this as a credible film website. With that it mind, it’s OFF TO THE CINEMA WE GO! TWO FOR ONE! NONSENSE FOREVER!