Ridley Scott presents Life in a Day, an extraordinary and ambitious insight into a day in the life of the human race. Compiling and consolidating over 4,500 hours of amateur footage, from 80,000 submissions and 140 nations, director Kevin MacDonald has created a coherent, compelling and delightfully accomplished snapshot in time.

Good. There’s not enough vampire movies these days.

Oh Boy(le)! This should be good.

You stay classy Planet Earth.

Phew, now we really know what’s going on… Right?

Who, in the entire history of the movies, has been the most badly behaved? Whose pursuit of sex, drugs and glory was the most relentless, debauched or just downright deplorable? We raise our shot glasses to our Top 10 real life movie LADS, all of whom go to prove that rock and roll is alive, well, and probably trying to sleep with you.

That’s the Alien prequel to you. Except that it isn’t.

As the stage is set for another bloody awful year of Nicolas Cage releasing eight thousand crappy films, we thought we’d take you on a whistle-stop tour back through his entire demented oeuvre since the Millennium. Not suitable for readers who are sensitive to unpleasant hairstyles.

The rumours are false. This is like that time Empire told us Santa wasn’t real and we couldn’t stop crying for a month.

With a sudden influx of news regarding Ridley Scott’s Alien prequels, we rifle through the rumours with raised eyebrows and a speculative frown.