If you have a child today, call it Plutarch Seymour Hoffman. You are commanded.

Does he even know how long it took us to make that picture of him with a trident?

Soon to be renamed ‘Going Sparkly’.

Hey, you know that saying about the eyes being the window to your soul? What if the window opened up into a nightmare, wrapped in a murder, nestled in an insane asylum? Don’t understand? You will, my friend, oh you will.

Love rat Pattinson features. Also actual rats.

Finally, a co-star to match the misery of Kristen Stewart…

Every group needs a hate figure. In music, it’s the squeaky voiced sick-midget Justin Bieber, in Christianity it’s that scheming git Judas, and in film that hate figure has gradually become mop-haired vampire-face Robert Pattinson. But guys, c’mon! Don’t hate the player, hate the game! The game in this case being “make loadsa cash out of thick people-ball”. Pattinson’s not to blame, he’s just trying his best.

It gets a bit Hunger Games at the end, which is weird.

No Keira in this one then?

To celebrate the release of The Hunger Games, a film in which children are forced to fight one another to the death (much to the amusement of others), we’ve decided to look back over cinema’s Top 10 Most Inappropriate Games For Children. Not because we like children, or want to preserve them in any way, just because we can…