That’s nothing – we haven’t even mentioned Beyoncé yet…

Another Friday, another needlessly aggressive exploration of a divisive subject. This week in the firing line is the lanky king of arrogantly verbose titillation: Russell Brand.

I WANNA ROCK!

Oh, Russell. You’re very lovely, we’ve known that for many years, but when will you stop playing the embarrassingly over-privileged cheeky chappy with a history of raucous and debauched behaviour – all pretty method – and actually do something worth watching? Arthur is elaborate, sparkly, charming and ultimately pointless, like an ornamental unicorn goad carved from a huge rock crystal by blind nuns. Exactly like that.

Every December, on the magical eve of collective financial ruin, mega-marketing corporations and advertising henchmen alike find a way to manipulate one and all into mindless, mass-consumerism. Alas, Christmas comes but once a year, the jolly holiday is eight long months away, and creme eggs don’t sell themselves. What to do? Well exploit Easter, of course, and monetise the hell out of the seasonal anthropomorphisms.

Oh my shit, it’s April! And it’s brought along not only Fools’ Days, sweet spring showers and the prospect of some chinless wonder marrying a Sloane, but also a batch of fresh and steaming new films – some promising, others less so. Stick around as we sift through this month’s cinematic offerings week by week and separate the fresh fish (FRESH FISH, Glen Coco!) from the distinctly murky tuna salad…

At it like rabbits…

It’s the same as the first one but with more exciting hats.

How do you know what you’re going to see at the cinema next month? You’re busy people – Facebook won’t update itself, and you’ve probably got a relationship to neglect or something. Oh, you haven’t? Sorry. Well, there’s no point in trying to meet another human adult now, you may as well just read this blog.

It’s a bit wrong.