Is this a penis that I see before me, the helmet towards my hand?

Where?

SO MANY GUILDS

We were totally there and everything. ARE WE ACHIEVING YET, DAD?

It’s Saturday morning – you’d planned to get up early and make the most of the day, but instead you hid under the covers until quarter to eleven like a shut-in with a passion for snuggliness. You’re such a failure. But never mind – if you’re not going to experience the world first-hand, you can just catch up on the best of the week’s movie news with our regular round-up!

With hard-hitting sex-addict drama Shame hitting our screens to the applause of critics everywhere, it’s no wonder we’ve got the two-backed monster on our minds. From Carey Mulligan’s unexpected nudity (forget the sad eyes!) and Fassbender’s humongous ‘fassbender’, it was pretty sexy. So sexy. But also horribly horribly unsexy. And so, to celebrate all things gross and disturbing in the bedroom, we’ve decided to count down the top 10 least sexy sex scenes ever…

Greedy.

A bleak look at the unravelling life of a New York sex addict, Shame showcases brave work by director Steve McQueen and his second time collaborator, Michael Fassbender. Expertly shot and powerfully acted, the film takes an affliction often the subject of ridicule and uses it to tell an affecting story of vice and isolation.

As 2011 draws to an end, we’re going to look forward to the top 10 films of January 2012. From gritty dramas to spectacular sci-fi flicks, there truly is something for everyone in this collection. Plus, what with the London Olympics and the end of the world due shortly, we figured it was best to try and be optimistic about our futures…

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAURGHRUHG *flails ineffectually with tiny arms*