Ooh, a film about vampires, I wonder what that will be like…

WHERE’S OLIVIA COLMAN?

But where’s Drive?

Not so melancholy now, eh Lars? Eh? Oh, apparently he still is.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAURGHRUHG *flails ineffectually with tiny arms*

There’s going to be a Doctor Who movie materialising in cinemas soon, most likely with that weird whoooshing sound effect. Now if they want to do this, it turns out they’re going to need an actor to play the Doctor (we were as shocked as you were). So we thought we’d give the film producers a hand, and let you all know our picks for who would make superb Doctors Whos.

Yesterday the UK officially banned the ad for Dakota Fanning’s new fragrance, on the grounds that anyone who sees it will instantly have sex with a child. Smells like Nonce-sense to us. To celebrate this entirely rational decision, let’s spray on some Mysterious Girl and breathe deep the scent of Baffling Cash-Ins. Or, as we like to call them, Celebrities 4D (WITH AROMASCOPE)

Oh Tilda, how do we love thee…

GO ON GARY

A superbly upsetting film, We Need to Talk About Kevin sees Lynne Ramsay and Tilda Swinton join forces to emotionally brutalise their audience in a fantastically realised adaptation of Lionel Shriver’s beast of a book.