Why The Hobbit is like masturbation

“It can be a lot of fun, but it’s not a game.” Twenty-first century sage Jim’s Dad speaks for us all; but is he talking about the time-honoured traditions of self-abuse, or the oeuvre of JRR Tolkien as projected through the slightly smeary lens of Peter Jackson? Our newest writer Will Donovan is risking the wrath of ten million Bilbo fanboys as he explains why our latest trip into Middle-Earth has more than a little in common with that time your mum caught you balls-deep in a microwaved watermelon.