And not a gap year in sight.

Lord! Look at the cheekbones on that thing! You could grate cheese on those. Evil cheese!

You might think that a thriller featuring big names like Robert De Niro, Sigourney Weaver and Cillian Murphy – alongside brand-new hot property Elizabeth Olsen – would at the very least be a slickly filmed, if creatively hollow, venture. Sure, Robert De Niro was in New Year’s Eve and thus has obviously lost his marbles. But Cillian Murphy wouldn’t be in a film that didn’t make sense, would he? You’d think that wouldn’t you? But no. Nope. You won’t find anything plausible here; only a collection of dodgy, derivative, poorly-acted strands mashed together like a jigsaw done by a drunk toddler. And not as fun to watch.

Kabloom! Shapowey! Bazookas! Statham! Burning!

THEY’RE HAVING A WHALE OF A TIME

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, steals your balls, makes you cry.

This Wednesday marks the release of Rock of Ages, a film in which raspy-voiced funny man Alec Baldwin shares what is being touted as a “sensual song and a kiss” with our very own Russell Brand. In honour of this erotic occasion, BFF is taking a look back at the life, loves and career of our favourite Baldwin brother (sorry Daniel, Billy and Stephen).

If you’re walking into this film expecting Alien: 2012 think again. Prometheus is a grandiose but significantly flawed film; underpinned by a vastly ambitious concept that is, in many ways, its undoing. Featuring a stellar central performance from Michael Fassbender and built upon some stunning, imaginative visuals, Prometheus nonetheless manages to feel bloated, confused and – dare I say it – even a little naff at times. But its unusual, heartfelt approach – there is no doubt that this was a labour of love for Ridley Scott – and attempts at tackling some of the universal questions make it uncommon viewing.

We have a lot of questions.

Julie Delpy’s follow-up to her 2007 film 2 Days in Paris retains a little of the charm and humour of its predecessor, but there’s an oddly forced quality to the proceedings. In place of the previous film’s intuitive and authentic depiction of an unravelling relationship are clumsy setpieces and surreal gags which smack of a project that is inherently directionless. Julie Delpy and Chris Rock are charming, alongside comic standout Albert Delpy. But ultimately the film feels flabby and ill-defined, and the presence of Adam Goldberg is sorely missed.