Does that mean she has to wear an underwired nightgown when Dracula comes through the window? That always happens in Transylvania. They give you underwired nightgowns instead of rubbish dressing gowns in the hotels.

It’s Monday, it’s wet and virtually nobody apart from Michel Hazanavicius and Jean Dujardin have anything to be cheery about. Right? WRONG. This week you should be heading straight to London NW6, where sunshine and rainbows surround the Tricycle Theatre and its superb International Film Season. Thank God It’s Monday!

Would you like Steven Spielberg to come over there and lick your toes clean, Michel Hazanavicius? That’s probably the only accolade left.

She’s playing Spindly

Who?

Better to rule in People’s Sexiest Man Alive chart than to serve in Heaven, eh Bradley? Eh?

A heist movie in which the main character spends 90% of his screentime on a foot-wide ledge? That sounds interesting! And it nearly was. Man on a Ledge contains all the ingredients necessary for a credible thriller, but it falls at the last hurdle – putting them together. Also, Sam Worthington is still useless. Message ends.

Watt the dickens?

George Lucas’ mammoth rerelease of all six Star Wars films in 3D has finally begun with the most profitable of them all, 1999’s The Phantom Menace. Are you thinking about going to see it, just for old times’ sake? DON’T. There’s no need for you to ruin your comfortably rose-tinted memories of Lucas’ increasingly childish ‘space operas’, and he’ll only use the money to increase the diameter of his neck some more…

FINALLY