Had anyone else even heard of it? It’s in Wales, and it does very little.

You’ve probably spent all week talking about Charlie Sheen, the most high-profile man to have a spectacular mental collapse since Mel Gibson got all boring and racist. With that in mind, we thought we’d ride the zeitgeist by channelling some of his most poignant wisdom and making it into crude reasons why you should get pissed. Bish bash bosh.

Yep. Didn’t see that coming, did you?

The Academy’s newest favourite lady is back on our screens with a film as distant from Black Swan as it’s possible to imagine (not least because Ashton Kutcher would clearly have wet himself when Winona got her stab on). As charming and funny as it is predictable and clichéd, No Strings Attached might make your day but won’t change your life.

Man got a spear. Man got a BIG spear.

In just a few days time, it may be necessary to remove this blog out of respect for the dead. For now, enjoy some of Charlie Sheen’s choicest quotations. The man is a VATICAN ASSASSIN! Keep winning!

Continuing his increasingly long-standing tradition of making films just good enough to remind you how much better they could have been, Woody Allen’s 47th outing as a writer and 44th as a director is quirky and charming – it’s a shame that a slew of solid performances aren’t enough to disguise its essential emptiness.

You know, the big hench action star. And the little boy in the raggedy green frock. What do you mean, “ropiest casting decision since Megan Fox was first given a speaking role”?

Sharktopus, yet another mindless and tacky film from B movie re-enactors the SyFy channel, is completely dreadful. No, really. Completely dreadful. You might be one of the people who likes watching shit films and laughing at how shit they are, but even so the antics of this absurd hybrid may leave you struggling to crack a smile.

Neatly bridging the gap between this year’s glut of sci-fi films and the ongoing demand for unusual teenagers who, like, can’t fit in because they’re vampires (or werewolves or gay or whatever else), I Am Number Four will certainly be popular. Michael Bay should be crucified for ruining yet another film with his stupid flashing lights, but who cares when there’s a hunky alien loose?