Have you ever thought to yourself ‘This is a nice film about the President Of The United States, but why isn’t he wearing trainers, kicking a Bad Man in the face and screaming “KEEP YO HANDS OFF MY JORDANS” as lots of paintings burn around him?’ White House Down. It’s what would happen if we…

With Romney taking on America’s no-good, tax-dodgin’, health-care expectin’ 47%, Mrs Michelle doing the majority of the sweet talking and everyone trying to figure out just what a ‘legitimate rape’ actually is, there’s never been a more perfect time for a slicing satire of the USA’s governmental boxing ring. The Campaign isn’t it, sadly. But who needs game-changing home truths when the dog from The Artist is being punched in the face?

It’s that time of year again! The 13th Film 4 Frightfest is upon us, and promises all kinds of beautiful terror in its four day programme. From Geordie clown murderers to scalping Freud-botherers, from Cockney spade wavers to demonic mouth creepers – there’s certainly no way whatever sick lust you have can’t be satiated. But what should you start with? That’s where we step in…

JAMES, YOUR SUITS GET SO DUSTY THESE DAYS

Admittedly, we’re supposed to provide the answers rather than the questions…

RIP

Jamie Foxx still really likes the way you die

Cheerful chap, isn’t he?

You want to try this Secret Cinema thing, don’t you? You quite fancy it? Think it might be a bit of a lark? Thirty quid’s a lot of money though, isn’t it? And you’re terrible with strangers, and with surprises and with paying thirty quid for something. Maybe you should just sit at home with your socks on, watching Peter Andre: My Life. NO. You’re doing this, dammit, and we’re going to show you how. Introducing our guide to joining the ranks of the ever-wonderful Secret Cinema – it’s OK, we’re here now.

Oh Roland, you just bloody love exploding America, don’t you?