ANNN-DRRE-AAAA

Rupert Sanders gives us an exceedingly grim Grimm universe in this LOTR-inspired fairytale; his sweeping landscapes and sumptuous visuals almost making up for the fact that his source material never comes close to the richness of Tolkien. The tale may be problematic and the characters laughably thin, but there’s no denying that this directorial debut almost wins you over with blazing ambition alone.

We’ve got a sponge and a warming bath right here, is all we’re saying.

YES, ROBERT! COME BACK TO US!

So close. So far.

BUT THE TIGERS COME AT NIGHT

PROMETHEUS PROMETHEUS PROMETHEUS FOREVER ARGHHH. Yeah yeah, sure we all know Scotty too hotty is the man behind the biggest thing to happen to aliens since The Fresh Prince put a suit on, but how much do you really know about him? Did you know he was supposed to design the Daleks? That he got his big break on a Hovis advert? That he directed Blade Runner? OK fine, ignore that last one, but FOR THE REST, we’ve got a CHEAT SHEET!

SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE, CHRISTOPH

Yep, it’s another one of those films where very clean celebrities pretend to have names like “Holly” and “Gary” and there’s just loads of them, loads of them scuttling around like glowing, plastic noise-rats shouting “UH OH! BABIES!” and it’s funny until it’s not and then it is again because sad emotions only last as long as a scene of about four minutes, and then it’s BACK TO CHRIS ROCK DOING HIS JOKES and people in bikinis and Jennifer Lopez realising stuff and then crying so gently. Just call it Middle Class Heteros Have Kids (You Don’t Even Get To See Them Shag), and be done with it.

Seriously, we’re asking you.