“One, two, Freddy’s coming for you… Three, four, better lock your door…” In 1984, writer-director Wes Craven unleashed one of cinema’s most iconic and dearly beloved boogiemen: Freddy Krueger. Dressed in an eye-catching red and green striped sweater and a beaten fedora, Freddy stalked his victims in their dreams, killing them with a glove of razor sharp knives. Craven officially laid his hideously-disfigured creation to rest in 1994 with the self-referential New Nightmare and now, more than 15 years later, Freddy is resurrected in a slick yet soulless remake that doesn’t have a clue how to scare an audience.

Miley Cyrus + the author of The Notebook and Dear John? A quirky but lovable character that finds herself in a heartwarming but ultimately doomed situation? Yep, you’re going to get exactly what you expect. The tweeny-pop sensation has essentially chosen the perfect vehicle in The Last Song for a transition from pop singer to… well… pop actress. But it is actually a film that will affect anyone other than her existing fan base? Probably not.

We love George Clooney. If there was ever a man who looks like he could build a log cabin using wood he chopped himself, mixing a martini at the same time, while wearing a tux with a perfectly crafted bow tie, it’s him. Seriously, which other actor could come back from the horror that was Batman & Robin to be one of Hollywood’s leading men? And if you don’t think that’s impressive, go ask Val Kilmer how life is treating him post Bruce Wayne duty.

First they released Alvin and the Chipmunks, a horrifically high-pitched cacophony of holiday season ‘fun’. With kids flocking to the cinemas in droves, the inevitable follow-up, painfully labelled ‘The Squeakquel’ materialised in late 2009. Following the DVD marketing mantra of “everyone loves a film series packaged in the same box with loads of extras” to the letter, the unavoidable ‘Double Trouble’ has surfaced, breaking the record for “the biggest piece of crap to ever be released in a two-disc box set”.

You don’t need us to tell you this was never going to be a good film. The title alone is enough to not only toy with your upchuck reflex, but also cause you to file this one away to the ‘only if I’m stuck on babysitting duty’ box. Still, we live in an age where kids’ films are fast becoming an art form all their own – from Up to Where the Wild Things Are, this year’s family offerings have allowed us all to shamelessly enjoy ourselves at the cinema with the under 10s. So perhaps some out there among you are curious whether The Squeakquel could rise to the occasion?

The original Universal Soldier, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren as a pair of battling super-soldiers, was released in 1999, back when the ipod was less than a glint int Steve Jobs’s eye and nobody except super nerds had heard of the Internet. Now, for the first time in 18 years, Van Damme and Lundgren have reunited to bring the smack down in Universal Soldier: Regeneration! Better late than never, guys…

Considered by many to be the last great British film of the ’90s, Human Traffic is an endearingly honest depiction of a weekend in the lives of five pill-popping twentysomethings. Credited with launching the careers of John Simm (Life on Mars) and much-maligned ‘mockney’ Danny Dyer, Human Traffic manages to capture the zeitgeist of the rave scene to perfection.

Edward Norton, an office worker unfulfilled by the monotomy of modern life teams up with the dynamic Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) a soap salesman. Together they embark on a journey of illegal boxing, civil disobedience and ultimately the destruction of modern corporate society. But the real question that needs to be asked is; who really is Tyler Durden?

Richard E. Grant and Paul McGann star in this cult classic about two actors who go on holiday “by mistake”. Unemployed actors Withnail (Grant) and “I” (McGann) escape their 1960s Camden flat for a much-needed holiday in the countryside. However they soon discover that the country is just as, if not more stressful than living in London.

Rec, The Ring, Let The Right One In, the list goes on. Foreign horror films always seem to know how to get the adrenaline going and the new French sick flick Martyrs is no exception. The film is based around Lucie, an abused orphan (this is the first clue that the film is going to be uncomfortable viewing) who, along with her childhood friend Anna look for revenge on her past tormentors. The tormentors seem to be, on the outside, a regular suburban couple and you start to think Lucie has made a mistake. Lucie kills the couple and their children as well as her taking her own life, leaving Anna behind.