D’you know what Million Dollar Baby needed? A scruffy kid with big eyes, Evangeline Lilly, and MASSIVE ROBOTS. Hugh ‘all the genres, all of the time, so long as I get to be buff’ Jackman stars in an unreasonably enjoyable sci-fi sports extravaganza which will leave you wondering why Hollywood has never before made a robot fight a 2000lb bull.
Don’t let the name fool you; Dirty Pictures isn’t a charming piece of erotica. Sure, it MENTIONS sex, but… never mind. Instead, the film actually offers an amusing look at the life of “the godfather of ecstasy”, Alexander Shulgin.
Two American girls become separated on a biking trip through the remote backroads of rural Argentina. Cue cautionary tale slathered with a healthy ol’ dose of girl-on-girl gore? Not quite. Beyond an opening scene vaguely suggestive of electrocution, and a (more tortuous) rendition of the Divinyls’ ‘I Touch Myself’ this is, by no means, the material from which to get one’s bloodlusty jollies.
The muscle babes of Die Hard and G-Unit come in Setup, a painfully predictable action thriller. With plenty of guns, a bald mob boss or two, a handful of heavily clichéd Russians, a thirst for vengeance and the odd sexy lying bitch, there really isn’t anything original to this diamond heist gone wrong. Except for Fiddy Cent in a role where he takes no prisoners. Oh wait…
Kingdom of Gladiators tells the story of a king who makes a pact with a demon, and then has a gladiator tournament, and these two things are somehow connected. Steer clear if you can, this tits-and-hits action film offers a very poor show of both the former and the latter.
What is it with horribly titled British films lately? First Swinging With the Finkels, now this? C’mon people, just name your film after a dinosaur, there’s loads of them left. It’d be much easier to sell a dark comedy set in a Scottish brothel (apparently they’re legal up there, fancy that!) if it was called Tyrannosaurus Sex. Just sayin. Luckily though, Spanking in Paradise is infinitely better than its dreadful title, a witty, surprisingly restrained and thoroughly Scottish gem.
Well, not scientifically speaking, unless you’re a lizard. But it will once this snow-lovin’ yeti gets his axe into you. Yep, they can use tools now. Power of evolution.
When China Met Africa is a indepth documentary about China’s economic foray into Africa in 2006. Described as a “rare, grass-roots view into one of the most important economic challenges of our age” by The Times, it’s just as exciting as it sounds.
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