Estate Bells All The Way

The most eagerly awaited film of the century opens this festive season; industry insiders are predicting an unprecedented box office bonanza. Movie fans, celebrities and even the homeless have been clambering over one another to book tickets for advance screenings. Due to be simultaneously released worldwide a week before Christmas Day, this is the must see film of the year. It is a return to the big time for the one, the only, the inimitable Richard Dean Anderson.

The release of Estate Bells All The Way is expected to resurrect Anderson’s career. The much famed MacGyver actor has most recently been toiling away in what can only be referred to as science fiction’s answer to Home and Away. Anderson takes direction from cinematic stalwart Frank Darabont who was quoted as saying: “My vision for the film is simple. The story should blend My Cousin Vinny with Pan’s Labyrinth. If I achieve this, the audience will be happy.”

The story unfolds on a council estate in Hackney, London. Residents are besieged by charity workers raising funds for the poor and needy, so they too may rejoice in the wonder of Christmas. The occupants of the flats begin to feel extorted and refuse to donate anymore. This invokes the wrath of chief fundraiser, Shaniqua Roberts, played by the multi-faceted David Williams (Little Britain), a mute with a violent past that stems from her time employed as a nursery teaching assistant. Obsessed with exotic fire arms Shaniqua and side-kick Shandy, played by Eva Mendes, unleash hell’s fury. Shandy struggles internally with self confidence and seeks to resolve the issue with a series of breast implant operations. Accompanied by two hundred and ninety-eight fellow charity workers, made up entirely of former distributors of London Lite and The London Paper, carnage ensues. The merriment of Christmas is in peril. One man can save the people of Something-Ironically-Inspirational Estate. One man can save Christmas. He lives at flat 42, a former five time champion of the UFC and the first non-African-American member of the Harlem Globetrotters. Enter Brian. Enter Anderson. (Whisper it, enter an Oscar.)

Anderson’s performance is reminiscent of early Olivier, such is the might with which he eradicates an impromptu outbreak of HIV. Scientists have said the method by which the film tackles the problem of HIV is in no way bollocks and are to begin their own research in to the suggested technique. Anderson’s ability to portray turmoil, lust and joy all in a fleeting moment is rapturous. Destiny guides the film to a scene where Brian and Shandy, dressed aptly as Ms Claus, stand casually in the estate lift, as he assures her that his love for her, and of sodomy, will save her soul. The knife edge between good and evil has rarely, if ever, been epitomised so well.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer said: “I will bleed from my heart if this film is unsuccessful. The vision is simple. It’s like I’ve always said. You can never have enough tits at Christmas.”

By Rishi Ganguly

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