Only knobs talk in the cinema. Self-centred, self-loathing and self-aggrandising knobs are the only people who talk in the cinema. Everyone knows that, especially the aforementioned knobs. That’s why they’re knobs. Right? WRONG. According to Entertainment Weekly, heckling in films is becoming a THING. Comedians are staging viewings of certain films in which whole audiences of the public are interspersed with professional comics hurling well-timed insults at the unsuspecting characters, combining stand-up and the cinema, as well as drenching the whole thing in beer. This new craze is more all-American than Miley Cyrus, but with its devotion to free speech, a good laugh and most importantly, a cold pint while it all goes down, we can’t see it being long before the British jump on the HeckleVision™ train too.

 

#10 – Sex and the City 2

Opening with a zinger, this travesty of a film is best enjoyed with a Cosmopolitan, in true Carrie Bradshaw style. Not one made with vodka though, for that would be a waste of perfectly good Absolut once you’ve thrown it at the screen (if you can still see it through the tears of frustration) within the first brain-melting five minutes. The decisions made by four ostensibly reasonable, ostensibly adult, ostensibly NON-THICK women are absolutely dazzling in their incompetence (such as the ideal example of racial sensitivity depicted), and deserve entire lifetime cycles of mockery.

HeckleVision™ Pick:
Samantha, after dropping what appears to be an entire Durex BumperBoning pack in a crowded bar in Dubai says: “YES, I have SEX.”

OH MY GOD. MY WORLD VIEW. SHAKEN. NOW THAT I FINALLY KNOW THAT, AFTER SIX SEASONS AND TWO FEATURE-LENGTH FILMS, I FINALLY UNDERSTAND. Someone hold me.

 

#9 – Country Strong

Our Gwyneth,
Who art in GOOP,
Hallowed be thy legs.
Thy shit accent comes, my will to live be done,
On Earth, as you did in the cinema.
Give us this day,
Our daily pills,
But not quite as many as you,
As no one’s tummy can take that many obvious Skittles
For thine is the extensions, the “emoting” and the “sex appeal”
Forever and ever,
Yee-haw.

HeckleVision™ Pick:
Every. Single. Cotton-pickin’. Minute. But particularly the exchange between Leighton Meester (Gossip Girl) and Garrett Hedlund (Tron: Legacy):

Hedlund (disbelievingly): “Bullshit!”
Meester:”BullTRUE.”

 

#8 – Scream

YOU SILLY BINT. YOU SHOULD BE FINE. And even if you aren’t, isn’t that all your fault? You cannot sympathise with the bitch who has sex with the ‘bad boy’ at the beginning of the horror film, because ‘bad’ in the context of life/slasher flicks can really very easily mean ‘deranged serial killer.’ It’s just a biker jacket, they say. It’s just a greasy haircut, they say. It’s just a machete in my face, they…OH WAIT NO THEY DON’T, BECAUSE THERE’S A FUCKING KNIFE IN THEIR HEAD.

HeckleVision™ Pick:
“Don’t you watch scary movies?” says Ghostface incredulously. – DON’T YOU? BLOODY HELL, GHOSTFACE, DON’T YOU??

 

#7 – The Bodyguard

Enough time has passed since Whitney’s untimely demise that we can finally acknowledge that charming and delighfully attractive though the leads were, that woman was at her best with her mouth open and false emotion coming out, and any moment Kevin Costner was on screen without a gun is prime heckling-territory.

HeckleVision™ Pick:
Frank Farmer (Costner): “The one guy who always gets hit is the cocky black chauffeur.”

We would have gone with a preacher hand held high, and a resonant “I HAVE A DREAM!”.

 

#6 – Friends With Benefits

The trouble with this film is that it’s not even shit. It is easily one of the most tolerable rom-coms to come out since Sleepless in Seattle, and that is exactly why the desire to heckle is so intense. In such a state of unstable disbelief, you just HAVE to say something. Anything. Repeatedly. Loudly. Anything to calm the deafening sound of your ego crumbling because you can hear yourself laughing because Justin Timberlake made a funny, and actually being charmed by something considerably high up on Mila Kunis’ body.

HeckleVision™ Pick:
The beauty of this film is that it bloody heckles ITSELF.

Exhibit A:
Mila Kunis’ character: Why don’t they ever make a movie about what happens after they kiss?
Justin Timberlake’s character: They do, it’s called porn.

 

#5 – The Human Centipede

This is rank. Utterly and gratuitously, with a side of anti-German sentiment that is almost as skin-crawling as the faecal matter-train of idiots. Question: If surprise anal generally doesn’t work out for people, WHY ON EARTH WOULD SURPRISE EXTREME-RIMMING?

HeckleVision™ Pick:
Definitely Katsuro needing a shit. Dump a few shit-based puns on unsuspecting audience’s heads.

 

#4 – High School Musical

Where to even begin with the most successful Disney Channel Original Movie of all time? This is heckleworthy in a way that is more profound that Zac Efron’s decision between basketball and the stage, that is deeper than the distance Lucas Grabeel’s evil-sidekick character is in the closet, and is more intensely pleasurable than…well, than the six films preceding this one in this list.

HeckleVision™ Pick:
Troy (Zac Efron’s hapless male lead): “I’m not afraid, I’m just scared.”

Nothing more than a standing ovation slow clap is required for this one. Or throwing a very large Oxford English Dictionary at the screen.

 

#3 – Twilight – Breaking Dawn Part 1

It was more difficult that you will ever know to choose just one of the Twilight films for the list. We would happily stand up, front row, exposing our fragile naked backs to the plastic fangs of every last Twihard in the UK, for the pleasure of screaming every time Kristen Stewart frowns, every time Edward does something that would ordinarily land him on the Sex Offenders’ Register and every single fucking time someone throatily whimpers ‘I love you more than [INSERT STUPID PARAMETER HERE].’

HeckleVision™ Pick:
The headboard-breaking synchronised with a glittery, gasping thrust. If you can stop yourself pointedly coughing and waving your little finger in the air like a lighter at an equally-impotent U2 concert, have a biscuit on us.

 

#2 – 27 Dresses

Katherine Heigl’s disservice to the 21st-century woman has been too wounding for words, either from us or from prospective hecklers. We would recommend a ceremonial burning of every single ugly item of clothing in your posssession in front of the screen whilst singing I’m Every Woman. Heckling + arson = guaranteed prison time, but such are the trials of the revolutionary.

HeckleVision™ Pick:
Absolutely has to be the parade of dresses – a nicely sexist ‘lads’ rating system should do it nicely. As long as the scores are never higher than a 7. And that the ‘7’ is said in the style of Len Goodman on Strictly Come Dancing.

 

#1 – Avatar

We love Avatar. Truly, it’s one of the greatest films of our generation. We’re aware, and god knows James Cameron is. That does not, however, make it immune from several types of heckling, which include:

1) Mourning for Sigourney Weaver’s self-respect.
2) Screaming “Iceberg!!” every time someone looks out of a window and gasps at something in the distance.
3) Making any number of rude shadow puppets on the screen every time someone sticks their tail in one of those dragon-thingies. Extra points for dragging a sweaty hand over the projector lens as if it were, oh, a car window?

HeckleVision™ Pick:
Jake Sully (Worthington): “Neytiri calls me skxawng. It means ‘moron’.”

Feel free to jump in before “moron” is uttered and shout your favourite Resistance chant. Ours would be a simple “IMPERIALIST SCUM!”

 

Ever heckled at the screen, in public or in private? Have a go at us about it in the comments!