The cast of Fox’s Fantastic Four reboot is on the verge of confirmation, and it’s… awful. Just really, really awful. Isn’t there some sort of system that’s supposed to stop film ideas this bad getting as far as the casting stage? (Apparently not, but whatever.)

Based on the Ultimate Fantastic Four arc, which reimagines the superhero team as genius teenagers who receive their powers when they travel through a malfunctioning teleporter, Josh ‘Chronicle‘ Trank’s reboot is due out next June. And whilst that may not be enough time for Kate Mara (Sue Storm/The Invisible Woman) to become interesting, it may just be long enough for Jamie Bell (Ben Grimm/The Thing) to bulk up. Actually, who are we kidding? The Thing is a man mountain, and Jamie Bell looks like a gnawed-clean-and-discarded chicken bone on the Mile End Road. This is ghastly casting.

Miles Teller, of ‘who?’ fame, is reportedly suiting up as Reed Richards/Mr Fantastic (apparently in this one he doesn’t have any bones or internal organs, which is fine), whilst Michael B Jordan’s previously rumoured role as Johnny Storm/The Human Torch has now been confirmed. Ask not how Kate Mara’s translucent skin makes her an obvious sister for Michael B Jordan. There is no answer.

We were no fans of the last Fantastic Four team – bland Ioan Gruffudd, forgettable Jessica Alba, featureless Chris Evans (yes, the Captain America one) and lumpen Michael Chiklis – but at least they made some sort of sense relative to their characters. Kate Mara looks a bit like a nerd, we suppose, and she’s already halfway to being invisible, but Jamie Bell had better hope that his orange, rocky hide can save him from what seems to be a case of pernicious anaemia. The less said about teen movie star Teller (Footloose, 21 and Over, Divergent), the better. We’re a bit happier with Jordan’s casting, because we’ve already seen him play a popular jock who learns to fly and generally be a stone cold baller (in the aforementioned Chronicle), but one half-reasonable Human Torch does not a Fantastic flick make.

We’ve got over a year and at least four more Marvel films to go before The Fantastic Four hits cinemas. Let’s hope that’s enough time to whip this dismal cast into shape.

What do you think of the new Fantastic Four? Let us know below!