What do you get if you take Bruce Willis, Bill Murray, Tilda Swinton, Edward Norton, some kids and Wes Anderson’s terrifying, beautiful mind? NO, not an orgy with incredibly good dialogue. Did you not read the “some kids” bit? Anyway, it turns out you get perfectly crafted 60s fairytale Moonrise Kingdom, a loving paean to childhood, companionship and, well, camping. It’s a real treat.

PROMETHEUS PROMETHEUS PROMETHEUS FOREVER ARGHHH. Yeah yeah, sure we all know Scotty too hotty is the man behind the biggest thing to happen to aliens since The Fresh Prince put a suit on, but how much do you really know about him? Did you know he was supposed to design the Daleks? That he got his big break on a Hovis advert? That he directed Blade Runner? OK fine, ignore that last one, but FOR THE REST, we’ve got a CHEAT SHEET!

Does he even know how long it took us to make that picture of him with a trident?

SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE, CHRISTOPH

Mate, those funnel web spiders will Nock. Your. Punk ass. DOWN!

Yep, it’s another one of those films where very clean celebrities pretend to have names like “Holly” and “Gary” and there’s just loads of them, loads of them scuttling around like glowing, plastic noise-rats shouting “UH OH! BABIES!” and it’s funny until it’s not and then it is again because sad emotions only last as long as a scene of about four minutes, and then it’s BACK TO CHRIS ROCK DOING HIS JOKES and people in bikinis and Jennifer Lopez realising stuff and then crying so gently. Just call it Middle Class Heteros Have Kids (You Don’t Even Get To See Them Shag), and be done with it.

After a distressingly long absence from our – well, not our screens exactly, but our derelict warehouses – Secret Cinema is back with its biggest every event, running for a full month here in London. And it starts this week. Thank God it’s Monday!

In which Best For Film takes a stand against excessive promotion.

Seriously, we’re asking you.

Take THAT, Hollywood!