“SHE MADE PANCAKES”

Only if Bruce Willis joins as Audrey

Love rat Pattinson features. Also actual rats.

Hey, do you have a name? I don’t care really. You’re not famous. Neither is Frances Gumm. Or should I say JUDY GARLAND. Come on peeps, we all know they laughed at old Gummy’s face when she came to an audition. Why, Virginia McMath was probably a boffin before she became Ginger Rogers, and don’t even get me started on Archie Leach. What’s in a name? Well, I’m gonna show you.

BEARLY, get it? Like BEARS.

Now that he’s ESCAPED the hunger…

Finally, a co-star to match the misery of Kristen Stewart…

Imagine if Rhys Ifans had been able to turn into a massive lizard in Notting Hill…

It’s been a while since we’ve played a good game of Nicholas Sparks’ Tragic Character Tragic Death Bingo, hasn’t it? Will it be the mop-headed golden child with the violin skills and the adorable love of chess? Will it be harassed, golden mom who hasn’t been able to get back on her beloved boat since it happened? Will it be Zac Efron’s war-haunted but ever so golden Marine veteran, whose blue eyes bely the slow-motion dusty montage horrors he’s no doubt researched thoroughly? Well, two of them have got to have sex first. And thankfully for everyone mop kid is not down as The Lucky One in terms of that.

It’s May, the month of flowers and solidarity with the international working class! What better time to take advantage of a promotion which will allow you to spend slightly less than usual on the grotesquely overpriced luxury that is going to the cinema? Those Avengers aren’t going to watch themselves!