Mainly because we haven’t said anything about horses in a while…

It’s cushiony soft

Maybe Mike Myers could cameo? No?

Not cool, BBFC. Not cool at all.

Luxo Jr.’s shade is drooping today.

Subtly lowering our expectations before it plummets like a lead zeppelin, then…

Don’t you just love a proportionate response?

Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg both give admirably miserable performances in Melancholia; a shoe-in for Film Most Likely To Make You Top Yourself 2011. Bleak, beautiful, and oh so very Von Trier, Melancholia offers an alternative to your run of the mill blast-tastic apocalypse – it turns out there’s going to be a lot of horses lying down.

God, it’s another Wednesday. We’ll all be dead soon enough, one wonders why we bother crawling out from under our rocks day after day to drag ourselves through this ‘life’ charade we seem so fond of… Still, as long as we’re putting the effort in we might as well go to the pictures, eh? For the 39th consecutive week, we tell you exactly what to see:

Festival audiences all over the world have lavished praise on Sean Durkin’s debut feature Martha Marcy May Marlene, the tense and disturbing story of a girl who escapes from a charismatic cult leader but is plagued by horrific memories of her subjugation. Who knew there was an Olsen sister who was actually talented?