“WHAT IS THIS, A CENTRE FOR ANTS?” – not relevant, but important to keep in mind.

Count them.

Saving Piebald Ryan

If, like me, you’ve never really got into Westerns, perhaps what you need to win you round is an Eastern. Jiang Wen’s frenetic, action-packed romp through cinematic and cultural cliché takes no prisoners, dispensing bullets and dark humour in every direction. It’s just… stupid, quite a lot of the time. Really quite stupid.

Two American girls become separated on a biking trip through the remote backroads of rural Argentina. Cue cautionary tale slathered with a healthy ol’ dose of girl-on-girl gore? Not quite. Beyond an opening scene vaguely suggestive of electrocution, and a (more tortuous) rendition of the Divinyls’ ‘I Touch Myself’ this is, by no means, the material from which to get one’s bloodlusty jollies.

Dance theatre is not a dirty word. Even if you normally find the idea of a film that contains almost nothing but dance to be the purest form of hell, the sheer quality of the dancing on display in Pina – and the immaculate way in which it’s presented – make it difficult to resist.

Kirsten Dunst is miserable again, and we for three cannot wait to see why! Celebrating the release of Lars von Trier’s Melancholia with a look back at Kirsten’s life in film, we present the Cliff Notes on a career that has gone from saving the planet from sentient children’s toys to just having a big, tired sit on the ground in order to watch the world burn. She once kissed Brad Pitt and hated it; how many 11-year-olds can say that?

Nothing says ‘I love making films about people being isolated’ like drowning everyone in the world except your cast…

Ralph Fiennes’ directorial debut takes on one of the darkest and most violent of Shakespeare’s tragedies with gorily glorious results. Combining a talented and varied central cast with an intelligently updated script which transports the play to the war-torn present day, Coriolanus is Shakespeare for the Call of Duty generation.

Wondering what to fill your days with in 2012? We recommend some light viewing, considering the world will probably be over then. Here are our best and worst for next year. Prepare to be angry, then a little happy, then quite confused, and then happy again.