While more and more employees of News of the World are set to be detained at Her Majesty’s pleasure, we’ve been making a list of all the people we think should be locked up. Like Rebekah Brooks, these sly foxes have gotten away with it somehow (although unlike Rebekah Brooks, they are all fictional characters in movies). It’s time we put the world to rights and take matters into our own hands – all rise for the court of long-ignored crimes.

Dwarf? Nick Frost? Well, they can do a lot with effects these days…

Never leave us, stop-motion, not ever.

That’s Charlie and Spike, if you hadn’t already guessed.

Yeah it’s sunny, the birds are singing and the trees are treeing and the cats are dancing – but you know what? You don’t have anyone to barbecue with, icecreams are weepingly expensive and you’re still a terrible person. HURRAH FOR THE CINEMA!

What do you mean, you haven’t meticulously planned your summer around the amazing film events which are going on all over London? You’re not right, mate. Fortunately, we definitely have organised our getting-burnt-in-the-park sessions so they work around the special screenings we just can’t miss – and if you’re nice, you can peek in our diary.

Holy Rollers, the true(ish) story of young Hasidic Jews conned into smuggling Ecstasy into the USA in the late nineties, stars a pre-Social Network Jesse Eisenberg and deserves to be better than it is. You’ll certainly enjoy the snappy script and engrossing main plot, but once things get complicated it feels a little empty.

If you got the reference, award yourself one syringe of the 8% solution.

An unfunny, contrived attempt at indie realism with a deeply questionable morality lesson as its core. Warning: this film is not the knockabout Kick-Ass style comedy that the trailer markets it to be, it is in fact much, much worse.

It’s beginning to look absolutely nothing like Christmas…