He has nothing to declare but his facelift.

In this vast, unknowable, ever-changing universe there are few things which we can safely rely on to remain constant. Thus those that do, those that struggle on relentlessly, blithely ignoring the evanescent nature of human existence – taxes, the Kardashians, films which pit one mythical creature/alien/abstract concept against another in a brutal fight to the death – can only bring us joy. In recognition, then, of the grand tradition of the “something vs something else” film – and to celebrate the release of Strippers vs. Werewolves – we bring you the Top Ten Versus Films. Enjoy! But remember, whoever wins, we lose/get eaten.

Your brain is gearing up for another week of think-filth, so who can blame you for spending your final hours of freedom gawping cheerily into nothingness? There are BRAND NEW films out this week, and all of them have splendid, noisy trailers. Stop trying to read anything, leave the washing-up where it is and promise yourself you’ll definitely change your sheets in an hour or so – WATCHING TRAILERS IS NOW!

Kablamm! Hear that? It’s the (scientifically inaccurate) sound of space crap exploding in your face! BAZAMMM! Welcome to Lockout, people. If you’re looking for a film that’s entertaining in a kind of “We all know the drill, let’s get this over and done with shall we?” kinda way, it’s officially your lucky day. Explosions! Psychotic prisoners! Space! Guy Pearce’s upper arms! What more could you ask for? Well apart from logic and a strong story, obviously.

If you like reading lots of names this is the new story for you.

Omar likes it raaaaaaaaw.

Dexter Fletcher’s sensational directorial debut is a gangster film with almost no gangstering in it. Featuring a meticulously well-crafted cast, an engaging story, a script which is by turns heartbreaking and hilarious and a totally believable central performance, this film couldn’t be less like Guy Ritchie’s nonsensical oeuvre if it managed to sustain a relationship with Madonna. Superb.

OH LOOK, it’s another European action film that’s been needlessly rehashed into a big-budget American dross rocket. Hurrah! Mark Wahlberg plays Smuggler Who No Longer Smuggles; guess what he’s going to do? That’s right! He’s going to punch and grumble his way through two hours of your life, which you will NEVER get back.

Have you seen the weather? It’s ghastly – never mind that you were having a picnic last weekend, Jack Frost is back and he’s all too ready to introduce an icicle to your most jealously guarded passages. Why not sit in a nice cosy cinema with someone huggable instead of wandering around outside? OWLTIME:

The English-language debut of Swedish thriller director Daniel Espinosa is a “high-octane”, “intense”, “no holds barred” (delete as appropriate) maelstrom of secrets, spies and badly edited fight scenes. The cast is fine and it’s always nice to go back to South Africa (fokken prawns!), but surely we’ve outgrown two hour gunfights interspersed with trash talk?